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Report: 7/10 Sacramento drivers instantly crash after road conditions change

ROSEVILLE — It’s a scene that is far too common these days: A smoldering, twisted mess of metal on the area’s roads and freeways. After a big rig collided with a van carrying a family of four, the victims were shocked and relieved that no one was hurt.

“I’m certain I did nothing wrong,” said truck driver Harry Harrison of North Highlands, “But, you know, a bird flew in front of my windshield so I thought to instantly yank the wheel to the left.”

A new study by the California Transportation and Highway Safety Board shows that 7 out of 10 Sacramento-area drivers polled believe the best way to deal with changing road conditions is to veer wildly on the roadway, mash the brake pedal, or floor the accelerator.

“I was driving home from work at around 5:30 a couple weeks ago,” said recent accident victim Susan McGinty. “I noticed that there was a bit of glare on the roadway from the setting sun, so I just started turning the wheel thing in front of me in a circle. Then the car flipped over! Can you imagine?”

CalTrans spokeswoman Felicia Sandoval said here are several things drivers can do to avoid accidents and collisions. First and foremost, those behind the wheel of an automobile should remain calm, she said.

“A car is not a magic good-times box that does nothing wrong, no matter what advertisements will have you believe,” Sandoval said. “Cars can and will kill you. Traffic cannot be avoided by slamming directly into the vehicle in front of you at full-speed, nor will your car magically jump over things if you honk the horn repeatedly. I can’t stress this enough.”

A website maintained by the National Highway Safety Board provides further tips:

  • Nighttime is not an evil demon stalking your automobile. It is safe and prudent to make all marked stops and remain on the roadway even if it is not well-lit. Your car has headlamps for a reason.
  • Cars do not grant wishes — no matter how hard you concentrate.
  • Slamming directly into the back of a police vehicle is NOT what is known as a ‘traffic stop.’
  • Water falling from the sky will not make you or your car melt. It is known as rain, and it is perfectly safe to operate a vehicle during this type of weather.
  • Accelerating to 88 miles per hour will not cause your vehicle to travel backwards in time. There are no conditions where this rate of speed is safe.
  • Pizzas cannot be delivered to your moving vehicle. It is best to remain off your cell phone completely.
  • Forcing someone off the road is not a safe way to ask them on a date.
  • ‘Road naps’ are not acceptable at any time; if you are tired, pull over.
  • When you see cars with brake lights on down the road, it is not correct to accelerate towards the car ‘that looks most like a ramp’ in order to achieve  ‘some sick hang-time.’
Jan 8

HOLY SHIT IT’S RAINING

EVERYWHERE — Holy shit it’s RAINING!!!

DUDE I FUCKING SHIT YOU NOT THERE ARE DROPS OF WATER FALLING FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING SKY, DAN. LOOK. LOOK! LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW. RIGHT? RIGHT?!

Look at that ground, dawg! It’s wet as shit! You didn’t buy it, Dan. You said the National Weather Service was ‘more bullshit than a cow pattie.’ But look here, motherfucker, there are at least 8 billion drops of water falling RIGHT NOW. If that isn’t rain I don’t know what the fuck is.

Oh man, Dan. What if it doesn’t stop? I mean, what if it just keeps coming. I’m on high ground now, dude, but what if I have to leave? I mean… it’s got to stop sometime, right? I mean, think of stray cats, Dan. What will they do?

Oh, wait, it’s sunny now. Nevermind, Dan. I guess it’s ok.

Wait, is this Dan?

Oh… sorry bro.

Governor destroys helicopter, utters one-liner

CAPITOL MALL — In response to an all-out seige on the state Capitol by a Libyan terrorist group, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Tuesday launched a surface-to-air missile at the helicopter carrying terrorist leader Mikami Al-Jurad, while simultaneously delivering the one-line speech ‘Popp-ah goes the Chopp-ah.’

What was initially intended to be a diplomatic visit quickly went astray when armed thugs kidnapped the governor’s family and held them for a heavy ransom. The governor, along with a crack team of scientists and mercenaries hatched a plan to not only rescue First Lady Maria Shriver and the couple’s 4 children but to uncover a sinister plot by the terrorist group to drain all California fresh water sources, thusly devastating the agribusiness portion of the world’s 6th-largest economy.

After many thrilling and high-octane moments, all seemed lost as Al-Jurad managed to make his way back to his escape helicopter with the control module to activate the experimental ‘evaporamator.’

In a characteristic display of post-partisan leadership, the governor severed the arms of a rocket-launcher-wielding henchman with a length of sheetmetal and brought an explosive end to the terrorist activity.

The governor’s office released a statement shortly after proclaiming the melee a “testament to Gov. Schwarzenegger’s dedication to the safety and well-being of California’s citizens.”

Yet the governor’s actions were roundly criticized by Democratic leadership. Senate Pro tem Darrell Steinberg (D- Sacramento) described the governor’s choices as “typical alpha male grandstanding” that were “setting the state of California back 10 years.”

The governor responded by tossing Steinberg out of a 4th-story window, impaling him on a wrought-iron fence. He then suggested that he “stick around.”