The Sacramento Chronicle

Perverts line up for season’s hottest strap-on

SACRAMENTO — Frankie Dertmuller, assistant shift supervisor of Goldie’s Adult Boutique, spent his Saturday morning restocking shelves, hanging dildos and penis pumps with care. But he says doesn’t bother even hanging up the Christmas season’s hottest gift for the depraved, a 2 foot long strap-on device called ‘The Widowmaker.’

“Oh, we just leave those in a box by the door — them motherfuckers are going fast,” he said, with a twinkle in the eye not covered by his surgical dressing.

The Widowmaker is on every pervert’s wish list this season. The device, which retails for $49.95 and comes color choices of blush, taupe or mocha, gained popularity earlier this Fall after being featured in ‘Ruin my Wife 7,’ a DVD and instant download feature film.

Jennie Arbor was at Goldie’s buying the device for her husband soon after it opened on Saturday.

“Jason is just notorious to buy for,” she said. “I’m excited to get him something that I know he’s going to love.”

“Plus, I can’t wait to tie it on and remind him what a filthy, useless bitch he is.”

Grandfather amazed, horrified by Google Maps

FOLSOM — Septugenarian George ‘Gip’ Tanner witnessed firsthand atomic bomb testing, a man landing on the moon, and the advent of computer and internet technology in his lifetime. But nothing could prepare him for what his 17-year-old grandson demonstrated to him during the idle afternoon of a family barbeque Saturday - his home featured prominently on google.com’s map and street view function.

“That’s … that’s MY house,” said Tanner, stammering and aghast in a mixture of shock and relative terror. “How is that on there? Why is that on there?”

“I didn’t sign up for this,” he continued.

Tanner’s grandson, Kevin, attempted to explain how satellite imagery was making a detailed aerial view of the greater Sacramento area, and most everywhere in the world, a reality. But the elder Tanner refused to believe or listen to the teen’s words, believing he’d been singled out in a mixture of miracle and curse.

“I … the computers can do that to me? We allow this?” he said.

He continued to stare with morbid curiosity and revulsion as his grandson worked at the PC. Tanner let out an audible yelp when faced with a street-view image of the home, showing his pickup truck in the driveway and his wife Betty’s marigold garden.

“He seemed pretty shocked,” said grandson Kevin Tanner. “I felt bad showing it to him afterward. I didn’t know he was going to freak out.”

“He knows how to email and IM — I thought this would be ok,” he continued.

Tanner’s shocked exception eventually turned into an anger and mistrust of the technology, as he begun to blame spectral villains, such as “Obama,” “The Axis Powers,” and “Cuba” for what he described as “an assault on the privacy of real Americans.”

Tanner’s wife, Betty, says such feelings are nothing new for her husband.

“That old coot is afraid of everything new. When we first got a video player he threw a shoe at it for ‘mocking live television.’”

Tek Talk: Image of Sacramento mayor goes viral

THE INTERNET — Kevin Johnson is no stranger to fame. His image has been displayed thousands of times in different contexts, from his career as an NBA superstar to his successful work with charter schools and his time in the world of politics.

Yet Johson’s staff was left scratching their head at their bosses’ most famous role yet: viral internet meme.

As of Tuesday’s publication date, an image entitled ‘KOVON JOOHNSON’ was the most popular file linked to the mayor. The picture, a portrait of Johnson with absurdly tiny eyes and mouth, was inexplicable to Johnson’s cohorts.

“I don’t get it — I don’t think anyone does.” said Steve Maviglio, Johnson’s spokesman.

The image, which seems to have originated from Sacramento’s popular message service ‘www.sacramentobored.com,’ can only be traced to anonymous posters. But, like other popular internet memes, the image has caught e-fire, being reposted with impunity by gleeful internet ‘comedians’ everywhere.

Some pictures include the phrase ‘KOVON JOOHNSON’ written as a caption, others include the terms ‘GODDOMOT FRONK,” or “DONKOD ON OLOOJOON” paired with the image.

“Everything about this stupid trend leads me to believe that no normal person is supposed to decipher the meaning, period,” says Vlade Harvish, a professor of Online Studies at the recently-accredited DeVry Institute.

An email from user CryHarderSac, who chose to be identified only by his/her username, said the meme was simply “another volley in an attempt to nuke newfaggotry in the 916-nuss” and added that while “you suburban double-down enthusiasts were sitting with your Dells up your asses wondering how the fuck magnets work we were busy turning the mayor from ZORO 2 HORO.’

An ASCII image of a man vulgarly separating his buttocks was included with the email.

Shitty old couch on craigslist for 13 months beats record

NORTH HIGHLANDS — A dumpy, old, overpriced couch that no one wants has at least received one accolade; a record.

The couch, described in the ad as being in “good shape” even though it’s clearly ripped up and covered in unidentifiable brown or reddish stains, was first placed for sale on the online classifieds site Craigslist.org in February of 2009 at a price of 320 dollars (or best offer). That price has diminished significantly to a still-unbelievable 145 dollars as of last week.

The supposed owner of the couch, RoBeRt.420@hotmail.com, was reached via email but was not willing to discuss why he had re-listed the item so many times, saying instead, “Look, are you going to make me a REASONABLE offer or not, I’ve got other people interested in this thing.”

In truth, records show that exactly three people had replied to the ad in its 13-month tenure. One, ‘entrepreneur’ Barry Scott, emailed to ask if he could take the couch for free. “I told the guy he’d never sell it and that It would make a perfect ‘chillin’ couch for my front porch, that people could totally spew on” said Scott.

“His reply? Just ‘Fuck off.’”

The horrible, disgusting couch beats the previous Craigslist longevity record of one year set by a collection of 4 ‘Precious Moments’ figurines, all with the hands broken off, for 95 dollars firm.

Boring Facebook update leads to instant defriending

NORTH HIGHLANDS — An area man has simultaneously lost all 28 of his Facebook contacts with a single status update.

Garrett Duncan, 34, said he was “dumbfounded” by the sudden deletion of all users who considered him a friend on the popular social networking site.

His update, “Feeling good today,” was posted at 7:34 p.m. Monday evening. “When I checked back at 8:30 that night, Facebook was prompting me to ‘get started’ by adding some friends,” Duncan said.

So far, his requests to “reconnect” with old classmates and work contacts have yet to garner positive results.

“I’m pretty bummed. I didn’t say anything offensive,” said Duncan.

However, real life acquaintances of Duncan tell a different story.

Yolanda Waylon, who works with Duncan at S.D. Rogers Tile Distribution, says that his inanity represented a continuing pattern of intolerable updates.

“You should have seen the shit he was posting,” she said. “‘Had an OK weekend,’ or ‘Work was hard today,’ and, like, ‘Good morning.’”

“It’s like, ‘You stupid, fat asshole, I don’t care!’ I didn’t even want to hide him - motherfucker got DELETED.”

When asked if she would consider a re-add, Waylon was skeptical.

“If I thought that guy was getting interesting, maybe. But, LOOK at him.”

Duncan said he was unsure of his future plans involving Facebook.

“I guess I’ll give it a couple days,” he said. “And if no one links me, I saw that there were some pretty girls in my inbox requesting we be Friendstered.”

Area man sees Goatse everywhere

ORANGEVALE — David Ricks, a local chef and internet enthusiast, is reporting sightings of unintentional Goatse in numerous places in the Sacramento area.

“Buildings, schools, formations of people, it doesn’t matter,” says Ricks, standing outside the entrance to his suburban home. “It’s all Goatse. Hell, look at the way the shutters and mouldings frame my front door, here, that’s Goatse too!”

Ricks claims his obsession began after being blind-linked to Goatse.cx, a notorious internet shock site, several months ago by a friend. “I expected it to be one of those ‘cute puppy turns into screaming demon face images,’” said Ricks, “but all of a sudden I found myself staring deeply into the horror that was Goatse.”

Upon further research, Ricks found evidence of images and objects that either intentionally or unintentionally mimicked the shock image. “Soon, I was seeing hands spreading things everywhere,” admitted Ricks, “from building foyers to people’s forehead wrinkles to advertisements of broke guys turning out their pockets to religous iconography to children’s books to the number 18081, it was Goatse, Goatse, Goatse.”

Ricks says his newfound perception has caused problems in his day-to-day life. “Yesterday, I saw a co-worker taking off a windbreaker with snaps and I shouted I know what you’re doing to me, you bastard!”

“Needless to say, I ended up in my supervisor’s office.”

Ricks also noted the supervisor’s desk contained an indoor fountain that looked a bit like Tubgirl.

Young adult’s webcam to permanently capture most embarrassing points in life

MIDTOWN — Dana Wilcox, like many twenty-somethings, spends a good amount of her free time browsing the internet. She is a member of social networking sites Facebook, Myspace.com, and Twitter. Her profiles provide a colorful portrait of the bubbly 23-year-old. However a recently-purchased webcam will provide the internet community with a direct line of sight into the young woman’s most unfortunate and embarrassing moments.

Wilcox, whose parents forgot to bring a camera to her UC Riverside commencement ceremony, is an assistant director of a federally-funded social services program based in Sacramento. The organization’s website, where she is not mentioned, states that their aim is to “get much needed aid and resources to the state’s least fortunate.” The only mention of her employment recorded on the internet comes from a Jan 24th Facebook update that states “Barney (presumably program director Barnard Dalton) was being SUCH an ass-bitch today. :(“

Wilcox stated she bought a webcam “on a lark” and “can’t wait to get on some sites and try it out.” One such site, chatroulette.com, provides webcam users with anonymous connections to others.

“It’s like speed-dating, or something, but totally safe,” says Wilcox. “I’m sure it’s going to be a lot of fun and maybe I’ll even meet some interesting folks.”

After some browsing on the site, Wilcox will start by innocently flirting with Darby Trumaine, a 34-year-old web manager from Corona, CA, who will have never stopped recording their interaction. Wilcox will write over recorded chatlogs phrases like “UR cute.” and “Do U want to C more? ;)” In a moment of tipsiness from a mixture of loneliness and chardonnay, Wilcox will briefly expose her left breast on camera, much to the delight of Trumaine, who works for the 10-site conglomerate known in total as ‘realsluts.com,’ where she will in 2 weeks be ‘stupid hooker of the week.’

Wilcox states via twitter to friend Jenna Matthews that she’s “@jennamnstr totally going to meet some cute dudes to go to the clubs w/on cam” Unfortunately, the only person Wilcox will meet on cam from the Sacramento area is private citizen Denny Sanders, 64, who will assure her that he is 25 years old and his camera is “messing up.” He then send two photos of lesser-known actor Erik Von Detten to her claiming they’re from “his vacation in Hawaii.”

Wilcox will then send two self-shot pictures of herself in a lacy bra and panties in an email entitled ‘NSFW - hee hee :p.’ Sanders will immediately forward the email to all of his male relatives and his online friends from the diabetes FAQ website he frequents.

“Being anonymous on the internet is really a great, safe way to let off steam,” says Wilcox, who will soon be known as the internet meme “Sandy Fuzznips” for an unfortunate screen capture depicting some errant hair growth around her areola. “With my button-down work lifestyle, I love being able to have a wild side in private.”

“I just know I’ll love camming.”

Wilcox’s supervisor will be calling her in to the office in three weeks time to ask her “why the fuck her hoo-hoos are all over the company email list” loudly enough for everyone to hear.

Girl wasn’t checking anyone out — she was thinking of something else

DOWNTOWN — Despite hopes and strong claims by 26-year-old systems tech James Duncan to a friend that a “really hot girl” was checking him out at a downtown pharmacy on Tuesday, 28-year-old legislative aide Amber Gallegos was actually thinking of what kind of detergent her boyfriend likes the best.

“You should have seen her, she was beautiful, short blond hair, slender, probably 5’8”, Duncan excitedly wrote in an email to friend Kenny. “And I swear, bro, she was looking right at me! For like, over 30 seconds, like, really looking me up and down! I could only stand there smiling next to the cleaning stuff.”

“I think it’s obvious — that ‘dry spell’ is history!” he continued.

Gallegos, who is actually 5’9”, said she was in a large hurry that day and doesn’t remember much about her retail experience.

“Tuesday at lunch?” Oh, wow. I was in such a hurry. I needed shampoo, and cat food, and then i totally blanked on what kind of laundry soap Dylan likes the best.”

“It was Surf,” Gallegos recalled.

In a subsequent email, Duncan explained away his shyness in approaching Gallegos.

“I didn’t want to be too forward, Kenny, girls don’t like that. It was her move, dude. I’m sure she’ll be so psyched when I see her there again. She’ll probably be waiting for me to approach her tomorrow. Oh man, I’ve got to look nice so I can ask her out!”

Gallegos said she did not plan to return to the Rite-Aid location tomorrow or anytime in the near future.

“There are a lot of creepy guys there,” she said.