The Sacramento Chronicle

Officials: Kings scoreboard ‘works fine’

SACRAMENTO — NBA officials released a statement Wednesday evening to quell concerns from Kings fans and staff that the official scorekeeping system was in some way compromised during the team’s matchup with the Washington Wizards.

Spokesman Douglas Porter said during a post-game press conference “The scoreboard is fine. The Kings did, in fact, win tonight’s game by a margin of 25 points.”

Skeptical fans, already unsure of what to do while the Kings dominated the paint and held a steady 10+ point lead during the night, erupted into cries and boos after the fourth quarter buzzer sounded, shouting “Fix the score!” and “Stop torturing us!”

Even veteran announcer Gary Gerould was quoted during his radio broadcast as saying “And as if things couldn’t get any worse, we now see the scorekeeping system in the aging Arco Arena is malfunctioning, showing the Kings actually winning the game tonight.”

“It’s not fair to the fans, and it’s not fair to this troubled franchise. I’m frankly disgusted that the NBA cares so little about this small market as to not even maintain something this simple.” he continued.

The Kings bench, many woken out of a light slumber when the game ended, seemed confused and irritated when the floor players began to celebrate.

Beno Udrih, who’s novelty Kings pillow was jostled off the corner of an empty court-side seat, angrily snapped “Can’t a loser get a little rest?”

Fans appalled by recent Kings wins

DETROIT — The Sacramento Kings celebrated their 18th win of the season Wednesday night, edging the Detroit Pistons 103-97 at the Palace of Auburn Hills, and Sacramentans could not be more upset.

“This is just not the kind of performance we expect from this team,” said longtime Kings fan Chris Weist. “I mean, making defensive stops? Fourth quarter toughness? What are they trying to do here?”

The victory comes after a come-from-behind overtime win in New York Tuesday night that fans could not find more uncomfortable.

“I don’t have the time or the energy to start caring about these jerks now.” added Weist.

The mood at BJ’s Sports Bar and Grill in Roseville was somber Wednesday, with fans looking dejectedly into their beers with the thought of the lowly team gaining momentum.

“If they beat Boston tomorrow night on the road, I’m going to have to start thinking about catching up on box scores again,” said patron Genny Dawson. “I’ve been catching up on my book club reads and this is simply going to ruin that.”

Other fans agreed, saying they had found rewarding activities other than concerning themselves with Sacramento’s only professional sports team, including gardening, building ornate birdhouses, and partaking in renewed sexual relationships with their significant others.”

“I’ll tell you who really loses here, Barney, my husband,” said Dawson, gesturing with her thumb to a downtrodden, egg-shaped man in the corner.

At a booth on the other side of the establishment, the Hiller family consoled their youngest child, Freddie, age 5.

“I hate stupid Kevin Martin,” he sobbed. The shooting guard lead all scorers with 26 points.

“We just want the Kings to remain family-friendly losers,” said father Vic Hiller. “Sending my kids on some kind of emotional roller coaster is simply not acceptable.”

However, at Detroit Metro Airport, Kings co-owner Joe Maloof brushed off concerns of win-streaks and team efforts.

“We’re totally going to blow it this season — don’t worry, Kings fans.”

Shenanigans leave one dead; three hospitalized

SOUTH SACRAMENTO — The Sacramento Police Department is reporting that one person is dead and three injured in an apparent case of shenanigans early Monday morning.

The horseplay, apparently occurring after a Super Bowl party got “a little rowdy,” proved fatal for 27-year-old Garrett McCutcheon, reports Sgt. Norm Leong. McCutcheon apparently drowned after having his mouth filled with whipped cream during a post-game nap.

The suspects, Frankie Davis, 23, Jean Ramos, 25, and Willy Ogden, 24, are hospitalized with major monkeyshines related trauma, said Leong. “One is in for attempting to hang off of a spinning ceiling fan, another has a broken leg from jumping into a washing machine on the ‘spin’ cycle, and the other… well. It’s best not go into what continues to be lodged inside of him.”

Friends are calling the series of events “unfortunate accidents.”

“Those guys were totally psyched that the Saints won, ” said friend Gabi Munoz. “I know they wouldn’t hurt Garrett on purpose. They were just horsing-off, and they always get a little out-of-hand.”

But Frank Davis, Sr. stated that the foursome have a history of unfortunate goofing around.

“Those dummies are always getting hurt. Frankie jumped off the roof onto Willy’s balls two days ago.”

“They’re idiots.” he concluded, spitting.

Sgt. Leong said that the incident should serve as a cautionary tale for those looking to participate in high-jinks.

“If you attempt shenanigans, everyone loses. I urge people to think of their families and their future before joshing is considered as a form of entertainment.”

“Such pratfalls are best left to trained professionals, such as circus and rodeo clowns, comedy stunt-doubles, and cartoon characters,” Leong added.

Johnson gives up ‘strong mayor’ initiative in favor of steroid abuse

DOWNTOWN — Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson released a statement Wednesday that he would officially drop his push and legal fight for a ‘strong mayor’ initiative that would be brought to voters in June.

Conversely, Johnson said in a media event earlier today that he was feeling “juiced” about his future and then asked reporters if anyone wanted to “spot him.” The mayor then removed his suit, revealing a tight-fitting lycra-spandex speedo, and began to do barbell repetitions behind the podium. “Looking good, right?” he asked as photographers snapped pictures.

Johnson’s cryptic behavior comes after months of campaigning for a strong mayor clause to be added to the city charter. In the plan, the mayor would have given Johnson executive power of the city council. Support for the initiative was mixed at best, and the measure was recently blocked from the June ballot by a Superior Court Judge.

When asked about the sudden change of policy from the mayor’s office, Johnson replied, “Oh that? I don’t need that anymore now that I have these,” flexing and kissing the top of his newly-enlarged biceps. “I don’t need any Judge telling me what I can and can’t do. I mean, look at me.” said Johnson, stepping out in full view to reveal his enlarged, well-oiled physique.

The source of Johnson’s new physical stature remains unclear, and aides are remaining tight-lipped about the changes.

Spokesman Steve Maviglio said Johnson had taken up a new diet and exercise regimen that was “heavy on carbs” and “working the core.”

Others are not convinced that Johnson is free of performance-enhancing substances.

A staffer who wished to remain anonymous told the Chronicle that in an altercation after the press conference, Johnson smashed City Manager Toby Ross through a wall in the council chambers while bellowing “MAYOR STRONGGG.”  He then ripped the right arm off of the chambers guard who attempted to subdue him and ran quickly to his office.

Governor destroys helicopter, utters one-liner

CAPITOL MALL — In response to an all-out seige on the state Capitol by a Libyan terrorist group, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Tuesday launched a surface-to-air missile at the helicopter carrying terrorist leader Mikami Al-Jurad, while simultaneously delivering the one-line speech ‘Popp-ah goes the Chopp-ah.’

What was initially intended to be a diplomatic visit quickly went astray when armed thugs kidnapped the governor’s family and held them for a heavy ransom. The governor, along with a crack team of scientists and mercenaries hatched a plan to not only rescue First Lady Maria Shriver and the couple’s 4 children but to uncover a sinister plot by the terrorist group to drain all California fresh water sources, thusly devastating the agribusiness portion of the world’s 6th-largest economy.

After many thrilling and high-octane moments, all seemed lost as Al-Jurad managed to make his way back to his escape helicopter with the control module to activate the experimental ‘evaporamator.’

In a characteristic display of post-partisan leadership, the governor severed the arms of a rocket-launcher-wielding henchman with a length of sheetmetal and brought an explosive end to the terrorist activity.

The governor’s office released a statement shortly after proclaiming the melee a “testament to Gov. Schwarzenegger’s dedication to the safety and well-being of California’s citizens.”

Yet the governor’s actions were roundly criticized by Democratic leadership. Senate Pro tem Darrell Steinberg (D- Sacramento) described the governor’s choices as “typical alpha male grandstanding” that were “setting the state of California back 10 years.”

The governor responded by tossing Steinberg out of a 4th-story window, impaling him on a wrought-iron fence. He then suggested that he “stick around.”

Sidewalk shut down after 18-bro pileup

MIDTOWN - In what one witness called “probably the least sick thing to happen in a long time” at least 15 cruiser bicycles were involved in a chain-reaction collision that clogged the 2400 block of J st’s sidewalk into the early evening Sunday.

“There were flat-brim hats and sandals everywhere, it was SO not cool,” said a young woman, identified only as ‘Cyndi.’ She and other patrons of the popular college hangout The Beach Hut Deli sat sobbing on the converted Victorian’s steps, clearly at a loss to describe how something of this magnitude could happen.

Authorities say details are sketchy at best. Sacramento City Fire Department spokesman Frank Gerber, in a press conference, attempted to develop a time-line. “We know that the Beach Hut provides a discount beverage special on Sunday afternoons. We know that this afternoon was particularly warm and sunny, perfect for activities such as ‘tossin the ‘bee,’ or ‘hittin’ up Paradise Beach.’ While this explains a surge in overall bro volume, we can’t understand what sequence of events would lead to such a horrific accident.”

“I don’t know what went down, brah,” said 6th-year Sac State geography student James Geckert, while tending to a large rip in his cargo-short pocket. “It was like, just a nice ride, y’know, and then all of a sudden I hear some dude say ‘DOLLAR BEERS YO’ and all of a sudden shit’s fucked, dudes are all colliding and I’m on the ground and my bike is, like, trashed,” he said, gesturing to a pile of bent springer forks and mangled balloon-tire fenders. “I just wanted to get my BL on, y’know what I mean, maybe talk to some babes. Hey, do you know those girls over there?”

Inside, Beach Hut Deli worker Lindsay Rohnert told reporters over the ironic strains of the Dave Matthews Band tune ‘Crash Into Me’ additional employees were being called in to help serve the newly-formed and “severely bummed” crowd. “I mean, these bro-hams came to make beer-aymids out of their empties and maybe even play some impromptu pong on the table out back. Who are we to deny them after this terrible tragedy.”

Mayor Johnson dunks over Attorney Teichert

CITY HALL - A standing-room only-crowd bore witness to a “spectacular throw-down dunk” by Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson over City Attorney Elieen Teichert during city council negotiations Thursday evening.

The council was originally slated to discuss land-use grants on the blighted 700 and 800 blocks of K-street, but the meeting atmosphere quickly gave way to the fever-pitch feel of a March Madness tournament when the 6’1” mayor and guard received a go-ahead pass from spokesman Steven Maviglio for a 3-point play over the 5’2” attorney.

Despite claims (and pending litigation) from the attorney’s office that“‘she was way outside the line” and “her feet were planted” the referees allowed Johnson the and-one foul conversion. after sinking the free-throw, Johnson raised a celebratory fist, illiciting a mix of raucous cheers and some boos from the at-capacity council chambers.

The play was the turning point in an easy win by the former NBA all-star over a group of lawyers with little to no basketball experience.

Johnson described his feelings after the meeting. “We had a good hustle out there - I’m very confident in my vision for a vibrant downtown center. Also, did you see me throw-the-fuck down on her? Who did she think she was taking a charge, I dunked on Olajuwon, this ain’t the YMCA, girl, this is real motherfucking LIFE.”

Added Maviglio: “Psssh.”