The Sacramento Chronicle

Pretty sure some news just happened

SACRAMENTO? — (THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE - CHECK BACK FOR MORE INFORMATION) The Sacramento Chronicle has learned of some news occurring in the Sacramento area. This situation could be a multiple-car injury accident. Or a building dedication. Or a protest march. Or a local company going out of business.

While preliminary details are sparse, the Cee is aware of these facts: the incident or incidents took place at 21st and T sts in midtown. Or Penryn, or maybe near Vacaville on County Road 18. Scores are believed to be injured, and many killed. Or possibly scores were killed after injuring many.

Or possibly there was a playoff-winning killing by the local sports team, the Sacramento Injuries, after scoring many.

The news is sure to affect the commutes of those who travel by train, or bus, or bicycle. Or possibly by boat, if the incident has occurred on water, as it kind of sounds like it did. Said a source who was not identified because we didn’t want to seem like we were eavesdropping, “I heard a loud bang.” The Cee has inferred that this bang could be the sound of a pandemic, or a weapon discharge, thunder, an emergency situation, a man saying the word ‘bang’ loudly, or a parade.

Local leadership has been quick to respond to whatever the heck is going on, indicating they will do “everything in their power to help out, or nothing at all if the incident turns out to be adorable ducklings frolicking in a pond.”

Mayor Kevin Johnson said in a press conference, or a phone call, or a statement (we kind of didn’t really look closely at where the information came from) “Citizens of Sacramento — everything is OK, or everything may be horrible, or congratulations 2010 NBA champion Sacramento Kings, or thanks for re-electing me. I’ll let you know which it is when I get just a bit more information.”

‘Same socks’ office fiasco enters tense 24th minute

DOWNTOWN — Negotiations halted today on a tense standoff between office workers Bernard Torry and Jerry Singleton over what each calls a ‘felonious’ abuse of trust in wearing the same style of Sears-brand argyle sock.

“Look, Jerry and I have discussed this. We knew we had sock copies.” said a visibly flustered Torry. “I told that bastard that I had Wednesdays. I told him.”

Singleton spat back, gesturing angrily towards the floor, “These are my god-damn socks and I’ll wear them whenever I please. This is America, not Red China.”

“Well, you’re a fat fuck,” volleyed Torry before he was physically restrained by Dave the copy clerk.

Co-workers said the scandal began as an office gag - “We both knew Jerry and Bernard had the same socks, it was funny, a joke, you know?” said secretary Sally Saunders. “We all giggled, ‘you guys are going to end up wearing those argyles on the same day soon.’”

“We said we’d call them ‘The Bobbsey (socks) Twins’ or ask them if they were going to attend a ‘sock hop’ and all had a laugh — how wrong we all were,” she said, shaking her head slowly.

With both sides completely unwilling to back down or meet the other’s demands (including rolling down their god-damn highwater pants or just wearing those loafers without socks), or even stop yelling, the standoff could last the rest of the afternoon, said office staff.

Jason the IT guy stated that “both of those guys were sun-dried dicks” and he wasn’t surprised if “they had simultaneous strokes over those stupid socks.”

Office manager G. Robert Mossman was not able to be reached for comment or mediation, as his dog got into something this morning and threw up on the living room rug.

Giant Delta tunnel joins list of ‘loony’ Sacramento projects

HOOD - The sleepy riverfront settlement of Hood, Ca, south of Sacramento, recently found itself on the map as the beginning of an enormous water diversion tunnel to pump Northern California water under the Delta to a agricultural canal serving the central and south state.

Residents may be asking “why us?” But they are not alone. Many communities and individuals are finding themselves victims of ‘kooky’ major infrastructure projects, reports The Center for Reason and Accountable Zoning Yearly, a California non-profit watchdog group and publication.

“The truth is, idiocy in design and lunacy in construction pose a real threat not only to Sacramentans sensibilities, but to their safety,” says Terry Pintowski, spokeswoman of the center. “Had we not intervened, Sacramento would be home to the All-soiled Broken Glass Family Center or a government multi-use building made entirely of cotton swabs.”

Pintowski said her yearly publication covers the ‘worst of the worst’ in ‘way-out’ designs and proposals. “This water tunnel will certainly be on the list, especially since early designs had it slated to be a water park and rotating movie theater/restaurant.

“While the update is scaled back, this project still borders on cuckoo-crazy.”

Pintowski says her group pushes for resident rights and property values.

“How would you feel, as a homeowner, if someone wanted to build a dinosaur-fighting arena and bar next to your residence? Don’t laugh - it nearly happened.”

She explained that in 1995 a mysterious British CEO brought forth a plan very similar to that described above for the residential community of Carmichael. When residents opposed, the man scoffed, saying the project was safe, and that the dinosaurs weren’t ‘really that big at all.’ Members of CRAZY threatened legal action and the project was scrapped.

Other ‘loony’ projects of note include a ‘Build-a-gun’ workshop in Rancho Cordova, The World’s Largest Bidet and Civil Rights Museum downtown, a mermaid bar (featuring wild harbor seals in bikini tops and sequins as servers) in Natomas, a faux-freeway constructed in midtown to attract the film ‘Sense and Sensibility’ to shoot their stunts in the area (council members believed it to be a high-octane romantic comedy at the time), and a large-scale geodesic dome made of scrap metal and razor wire and loaded with melee weapons featuring the theme of ‘two man entering, one leaving,’ in Rocklin.

“What we’re doing isn’t rocket science,” said Pinktowski, perhaps citing the city’s defunct attempt to have a space shuttle launch site at the Sacramento Community Center, “we’re only interested in protecting the citizens of this area from unadulterated hubris coupled with ideas bordering on comic-book supervillany.”

Still, Pinktowski says they haven’t been entirely successful.

“You’ve seen the 60 foot bronze ‘memorial’ statue of Cedric the Entertainer from the freeway, I suppose,” said Pintowski.

Business: George’s dog-walking service clearly better than Roger’s

MCKINLEY PARK — George’s dog-walking service is clearly better and superior to Roger’s shitty ‘dog’ ‘walking’ service, the Chronicle has found.

George D. Willows, a masterful savior of all things canine, is a dog-walking statue of David, except wearing khakis and a polo shirt. He’ll walk your dogs well, and walk them right.

“I just really like walking dogs,” said Willows.

Roger F. Johnson (we’re pretty sure the F stands for ‘failure’) is the worst person ever at walking, let alone walking dogs. This guy could get lost traveling a straight line. He’s stupid, and he smells, and he’ll treat your dogs poorly.

Johnson was not attempted to be reached for comment because we didn’t want to hear his dumb drooling voice over the phone or see his ugly haircut in person.

“I don’t know about other dog walking services in the area,” said saintly Willows, holding a border collie in the crook of his arm like Christ holding a lamb, “but I know this. If you want your dogs walked around McKinley Park 4 times, I can do it.”

“I walk any kind of dogs, too.”

Young adult’s webcam to permanently capture most embarrassing points in life

MIDTOWN — Dana Wilcox, like many twenty-somethings, spends a good amount of her free time browsing the internet. She is a member of social networking sites Facebook, Myspace.com, and Twitter. Her profiles provide a colorful portrait of the bubbly 23-year-old. However a recently-purchased webcam will provide the internet community with a direct line of sight into the young woman’s most unfortunate and embarrassing moments.

Wilcox, whose parents forgot to bring a camera to her UC Riverside commencement ceremony, is an assistant director of a federally-funded social services program based in Sacramento. The organization’s website, where she is not mentioned, states that their aim is to “get much needed aid and resources to the state’s least fortunate.” The only mention of her employment recorded on the internet comes from a Jan 24th Facebook update that states “Barney (presumably program director Barnard Dalton) was being SUCH an ass-bitch today. :(“

Wilcox stated she bought a webcam “on a lark” and “can’t wait to get on some sites and try it out.” One such site, chatroulette.com, provides webcam users with anonymous connections to others.

“It’s like speed-dating, or something, but totally safe,” says Wilcox. “I’m sure it’s going to be a lot of fun and maybe I’ll even meet some interesting folks.”

After some browsing on the site, Wilcox will start by innocently flirting with Darby Trumaine, a 34-year-old web manager from Corona, CA, who will have never stopped recording their interaction. Wilcox will write over recorded chatlogs phrases like “UR cute.” and “Do U want to C more? ;)” In a moment of tipsiness from a mixture of loneliness and chardonnay, Wilcox will briefly expose her left breast on camera, much to the delight of Trumaine, who works for the 10-site conglomerate known in total as ‘realsluts.com,’ where she will in 2 weeks be ‘stupid hooker of the week.’

Wilcox states via twitter to friend Jenna Matthews that she’s “@jennamnstr totally going to meet some cute dudes to go to the clubs w/on cam” Unfortunately, the only person Wilcox will meet on cam from the Sacramento area is private citizen Denny Sanders, 64, who will assure her that he is 25 years old and his camera is “messing up.” He then send two photos of lesser-known actor Erik Von Detten to her claiming they’re from “his vacation in Hawaii.”

Wilcox will then send two self-shot pictures of herself in a lacy bra and panties in an email entitled ‘NSFW - hee hee :p.’ Sanders will immediately forward the email to all of his male relatives and his online friends from the diabetes FAQ website he frequents.

“Being anonymous on the internet is really a great, safe way to let off steam,” says Wilcox, who will soon be known as the internet meme “Sandy Fuzznips” for an unfortunate screen capture depicting some errant hair growth around her areola. “With my button-down work lifestyle, I love being able to have a wild side in private.”

“I just know I’ll love camming.”

Wilcox’s supervisor will be calling her in to the office in three weeks time to ask her “why the fuck her hoo-hoos are all over the company email list” loudly enough for everyone to hear.

Johnson gives up ‘strong mayor’ initiative in favor of steroid abuse

DOWNTOWN — Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson released a statement Wednesday that he would officially drop his push and legal fight for a ‘strong mayor’ initiative that would be brought to voters in June.

Conversely, Johnson said in a media event earlier today that he was feeling “juiced” about his future and then asked reporters if anyone wanted to “spot him.” The mayor then removed his suit, revealing a tight-fitting lycra-spandex speedo, and began to do barbell repetitions behind the podium. “Looking good, right?” he asked as photographers snapped pictures.

Johnson’s cryptic behavior comes after months of campaigning for a strong mayor clause to be added to the city charter. In the plan, the mayor would have given Johnson executive power of the city council. Support for the initiative was mixed at best, and the measure was recently blocked from the June ballot by a Superior Court Judge.

When asked about the sudden change of policy from the mayor’s office, Johnson replied, “Oh that? I don’t need that anymore now that I have these,” flexing and kissing the top of his newly-enlarged biceps. “I don’t need any Judge telling me what I can and can’t do. I mean, look at me.” said Johnson, stepping out in full view to reveal his enlarged, well-oiled physique.

The source of Johnson’s new physical stature remains unclear, and aides are remaining tight-lipped about the changes.

Spokesman Steve Maviglio said Johnson had taken up a new diet and exercise regimen that was “heavy on carbs” and “working the core.”

Others are not convinced that Johnson is free of performance-enhancing substances.

A staffer who wished to remain anonymous told the Chronicle that in an altercation after the press conference, Johnson smashed City Manager Toby Ross through a wall in the council chambers while bellowing “MAYOR STRONGGG.”  He then ripped the right arm off of the chambers guard who attempted to subdue him and ran quickly to his office.

Poll: Sacramentans sharply divided on cuteness of puppies, kittens

DOWNTOWN — A poll released today by San Francisco-based Field Research Group shows that adult Sacramentans likely to vote remain at strong odds over which animal is cuter, puppies or kittens.

Spokesman Mark DiCamillo, in town to meet with local leadership about the poll results, stated in a press briefing that “while Sacramento is certain to fawn over a baby mammal of some sort, there is no solid majority concerning which one they would rather roll around with on a warm soft surface, say, a feather bed.”

The poll indicated some 47.5% of likely voters would select kittens to scratch lovingly behind the ears, while holding a length of string near their tiny, adorable paws so that they may bat at it. Conversely, 48% stated that they would love to give “belly rubs” to an infant canine with the hope of eventual “puppy kisses” or a chance of hearing the “Arr arr arr” noise.

Respondent Sally Dane of Roseville stated that “She just doesn’t understand how a tiny, precious puppy isn’t the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in the entire world. Awwwww.” Another poll participant, George Queensland of South Sacramento, when interviewed, said “How could you not love those itty bitty kitty ears? Call me out of touch, but I just want to cuddle this tiny lil’ kitty face until it purrs itself to sleep.”

While animals of the dog and cat variety represented an overwhelming majority, several other animals were mentioned, including Shetland miniature ponies, tiny little baby chickens, and, in one case, princely baby snakes.

Dining and whining: Finding my sea-legs at the Mercantile Saloon

Welcome Sacramento food and drink lovers to my inaugural Dining and Whining column! I’ll be your matre’d. Fleck Whineman’s the name, nice to greet you. I’m a 4.5 month native of Sacramento, originally hailing from Bangor, Maine. I recieved my Associate’s degrees in food technology and woodshop at Bangor Community College, so I’m very comfortable as a foodist’s liaison (and still have all my fingers, ha, ha!)

Food is a passion of mine, so much so that I often have four, maybe six complete meals a day. I’ve found the options in this city are simply limitless, from “few’d couture” to “hamburgers du’jour.” I hope we can spend many wonderful years together filling our bellies with the meats and vegetables of our shared cultural harmony. And french fries. Delicious, savory french fries. And possibly a milkshake, dear reader? Ha, ha!

And so our story begins on a dreary Wednesday afternoon. I had just arisen from my second afternoon nap hungry for an afternoon drive. My meandering path through the gridded streets of our city’s fair Mid-town district gave way to a powerful rumble emanating from within my gullet. It was, my gentle reader, a hunger for both a delightful nosh and a powerful bite of community.

I left my trusty steed of 1993 Toyota Tercel hitched in a parking garage and began my dainty saunter. As if on cue, a tempest of a noreaster of a gentle breeze scooted me along westerly until I saw a lively converted Victorian. Attached was a patio filled with the din of the human experience. Ah! Here was a place to whet my appetite and whistle.

Upon stepping through the swinging door of what I learned was the Mercantile Saloon (forgive me, reader, I did know at this point it was a house of libations rather than a 4 star restaurant) I was immediately greeted with the flush of humanity.

Upon exiting the conveniently located restroom (I find it best to ‘clear ones pallate’ before any dining experience) I sat down at the front bar.

“Barkeep,” I barked. “I am a critic for the Sacramento Chronicle. Bring me your finest spirit, combined with your second finest spirit, two packets of Sugar in the Raw, and a cocktail onion. And I would like to see your menu of specials d’nom.”

The spry bartender looked me up and down with a predatory but welcoming glare. “two-fifty, baby.” He finally replied with a Mona Lisa smile. “There’s a snack machine in the corner. And don’t call me barkeep, bitch.” Lo! So alive with the out-pour and muster of the human experience!

While waiting for my beverage I took the time to glance around at the decor. The name suggested a fantasy of a life at sea, and the decor did not disappoint. With porthole style windows and ruddy wood furniture, I felt as if I was delivering kegs of spices for the East India Trading company, I did! Ha, Ha! Brightly colored flags hung from the ceiling, clearly indicating the spirit of light and togetherness that we all share as a people. I felt welcomed.

I received my beverage in a large glass typically reserved for a pint of Mr. Weiser’s famed lager-beers. The beverage was abrim with a green liquid. The barman referred to it as a ‘Nut-Buster,’ and I can only assume this is but one of many fine specials devised by their head mixologist. A sample taste revealed a biting fruit taste with high overtones of artificial watermelon flavoring, and a strong finish of potato-based spirit (what the Kamchatka bear trapper would call ‘wodka’). I must admit, dear reader, I found this beverage to be so invigorating that I might have been accused of a slurp or two at the end, ha, ha!

Shortly after I helped myself to the supply of “Munchies” in the snack machine (Slot E4 for the snack-savvy among us) and I raised a single digit in the air to indicate another beverage. The bartender, as if sensing my gesture with back-turned eyes, turned, raised another finger in response, and slid another virtuous concoction down the bar at me. I responded with a smile and full-scale tip of seventy-five cents.

As I sat on the comfortable stool enjoying my third beverage, the bar awoke with the sound of the working class man. I see, I thought to my inner monologue, this must be the bar of constructors, machine operators, and other true ‘blue collar’ fellows. What luck! I was inserted into a group of mans men, a true confederacy of brothers. Would we be crooning a shanty into the night’s wee hours, overfilled mugs of mead hoisted into the air? My mind’s senses reeled with the possibilities.

Dear reader! I must confess something to you now. After my fourth beverage I seem to have succumbed to a mild amnesia. I recount what I can recall. A Carnival-like setting, with dancing women and flashes of toned skin. The sounds of screeching tracks d’discoteque, played at high volume. True brotherhood, man and man locked arm in arm and waist to waist, celebrating the fruits of their busy day. Unfortunate splashes of wasted beverage from those who had enjoyed ‘one too many.’And much more, though obscured in visage by the banshee of the spirit - the lord of intoxication.

I arose in the early morning not where I imagined myself to be, not in my comfortable guest room at all but prone against a cinder block wall near the main railway, with my tie wrapped about my head in the style of the samurai. I dusted my sleeves and headed home for a deserved morning rest.

What had actually happened will be left to the ages and the times of legend. But I do know that I will return to the fair Merchantile whenever I am in need of a refreshing beverage garnished with the triumph of the male will.

4 enthusiastic thumbs up!

Teenager: ‘This is fucking bullshit.’

CARMICHAEL - Citing his D minus on a history pop quiz combined with 3 days of work-study for excessive tardies, Del Campo High School sophomore Kenny Dewitt, in a hastily shouted news event in the 200 wing, claimed his week was ‘obviously the most fucking bullshit thing that’s happened ever.’

Dewitt went on to speak on topics at the top of his lungs concerning ‘that stupid bitch Mrs. Ramos’ and ‘obvious gaybo,’ vice-principal Gary Sanberg. The firey orator punctuated his speech with timed punches to his assigned locker and stomping, directing his words not only to friend Brian but to anyone who was within earshot.

As the period four bell rang, the teen’s media event wrapped on the subject of ‘how much trouble he’s going to fucking be in when his mom finds out.’

Dewitt then stuffed his math primer into his bookbag and stormed off to the 700 wing, where he recieved his 5th tardy of the week.

Governor destroys helicopter, utters one-liner

CAPITOL MALL — In response to an all-out seige on the state Capitol by a Libyan terrorist group, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Tuesday launched a surface-to-air missile at the helicopter carrying terrorist leader Mikami Al-Jurad, while simultaneously delivering the one-line speech ‘Popp-ah goes the Chopp-ah.’

What was initially intended to be a diplomatic visit quickly went astray when armed thugs kidnapped the governor’s family and held them for a heavy ransom. The governor, along with a crack team of scientists and mercenaries hatched a plan to not only rescue First Lady Maria Shriver and the couple’s 4 children but to uncover a sinister plot by the terrorist group to drain all California fresh water sources, thusly devastating the agribusiness portion of the world’s 6th-largest economy.

After many thrilling and high-octane moments, all seemed lost as Al-Jurad managed to make his way back to his escape helicopter with the control module to activate the experimental ‘evaporamator.’

In a characteristic display of post-partisan leadership, the governor severed the arms of a rocket-launcher-wielding henchman with a length of sheetmetal and brought an explosive end to the terrorist activity.

The governor’s office released a statement shortly after proclaiming the melee a “testament to Gov. Schwarzenegger’s dedication to the safety and well-being of California’s citizens.”

Yet the governor’s actions were roundly criticized by Democratic leadership. Senate Pro tem Darrell Steinberg (D- Sacramento) described the governor’s choices as “typical alpha male grandstanding” that were “setting the state of California back 10 years.”

The governor responded by tossing Steinberg out of a 4th-story window, impaling him on a wrought-iron fence. He then suggested that he “stick around.”

Mayor Johnson dunks over Attorney Teichert

CITY HALL - A standing-room only-crowd bore witness to a “spectacular throw-down dunk” by Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson over City Attorney Elieen Teichert during city council negotiations Thursday evening.

The council was originally slated to discuss land-use grants on the blighted 700 and 800 blocks of K-street, but the meeting atmosphere quickly gave way to the fever-pitch feel of a March Madness tournament when the 6’1” mayor and guard received a go-ahead pass from spokesman Steven Maviglio for a 3-point play over the 5’2” attorney.

Despite claims (and pending litigation) from the attorney’s office that“‘she was way outside the line” and “her feet were planted” the referees allowed Johnson the and-one foul conversion. after sinking the free-throw, Johnson raised a celebratory fist, illiciting a mix of raucous cheers and some boos from the at-capacity council chambers.

The play was the turning point in an easy win by the former NBA all-star over a group of lawyers with little to no basketball experience.

Johnson described his feelings after the meeting. “We had a good hustle out there - I’m very confident in my vision for a vibrant downtown center. Also, did you see me throw-the-fuck down on her? Who did she think she was taking a charge, I dunked on Olajuwon, this ain’t the YMCA, girl, this is real motherfucking LIFE.”

Added Maviglio: “Psssh.”