The Sacramento Chronicle

Election 2010: Californians prefer crazy old man to wealthy dowager

SACRAMENTO - When the dust settled after Tuesday’s contentious election, California’s voters had spoken clearly - they prefer a miserable, insane coot to run things, rather than a terrifyingly rich, frigid, mean old bitch.

Voters propelled Gov.-elect Jerry Brown into office after the 72-year-old ran a campaign of ‘crazy promises’ and baked bean-spittle. 

“Exit polling showed that the electorate connected with Brown’s rather populist messages of ‘dadgumit’ and ‘consarnit,’” said Nelson Mackey of the non-partisan Pew Research Center.

Conversely, voters felt uneasy electing Whitman, seen as a “lonely old lady who lives in a giant mansion and wears furs,” said Mackey.

“Voters weren’t comfortable installing someone into office who should be made to annoyedly harumph at the hyjinks of the everyman, say a “Larry,” or “Curly.”

28-year-old delivery driver Steve Darnon, who identified himself as an independent, said he cast his vote for Brown because he could change the dialogue in California politics.

“Look at how old he is!” said Darnon. “He’s like my grandpa. I bet he’ll say something totally nuts, like, every day.”

As for Whitman, Darnon said her campaigns constant advertising blitz was a turnoff.

“The more I saw her on TV, the more I could imagine bats flying out of her vagina,” he said.

Mayor Johnson: SF mayor visits Sacramento, cops ‘tude

SACRAMENTO — During a visit to Sacramento to attend a meeting on green technologies, San Fransisco mayor Gavin Newsom totally got a “holier-than-thou” attitude about Sacramento, mayor Kevin Johnson reports.

“Dude, that guy was ALL ABOUT telling us about how great San Francisco is and how much more stuff they have,” said Johnson at a press conference. “He was, like, ‘Man, that’s your Capitol building? Our City Hall is bigger than that.’”

Johnson also said that Newsom was upset about the lunch they had at Panda Express restaurant.

“He was all pissed that I took him to Panda.” said Johnson.

“He said he wanted Chinese food, and everyone in Sac knows they have the best orange chicken in the city, right? And he was all, ‘you took me to a chain??’”

“What a bitch,” he said.

Newsom said in a phone interview this afternoon that “He totally likes Sacramento,” and that Johnson was “just being butthurt.”

“Look, Sacramento is a cute little town — real quaint,” said Newsom. “But the people there are kind of, I don’t know, not cosmopolitan or something.”

“I mean, a chain? Come on.”

Newsom also said that while the tree-lined streets were nice, that “there wasn’t really anything to do,” and “you have to take a car everywhere,” and that “the bars sucked.”

“I mean, I have friends from here who moved to ‘the city,” He said. “I guess I see why - they’re artists and musicians, you know, and that scene kinda sucks here.”

“SF is way better for like, creative people.”

Newsom says that despite the disagreement, there are no hurt feelings and that Johnson can come to SF whenever he likes.

“We can hang out at the park and then I’ll take him to this amazing little organic Vietnamese place in the Mission,” said Newsom.

“They have veggie Pho that’s really filling.”

Investigations: Sen. Steinberg actually goat-like creature of night

SACRAMENTO — An unconfirmed source who chose not to be identified provided incontrovertible oral proof over the phone that Senate President pro Tem Darrell Steinberg is, in fact, a goat-like humanoid who uses the inherent evil of night to absorb ungodly amounts of power.

The source told in rasping, anonymous tones a tale of monstrous mayhem caused by the first-term State Senator. “He comes out of the shadows,” he said, “And you don’t want to meet eyes with him, oh no.”

“If you do — it’s too late.”

The source said that the “Steinberg,” a cursed being, spent moonless nights looking for the soul-power of his lost beloved, a Polynesian maiden from an ill-fated Pacific voyage of 1657.

“You see, the entity you know as ‘Darrell’ cannot rest until his one true love’s power is his own. To him, life and death have no meaning. There is only the sickening, enraging reminder of the lost aura of his betrothed.”

He continued to say that Steinberg would “stop at nothing” to reach his goal, and that his “broad-axe made quick work of the unconverted.” In the sometimes rambling hour-and-forty-five minute phone call, the source described Steinberg’s “rippling muscles clocked in stinking, matted bristle-hair” and his two large, curving horns, which “pierced into the blackness of midnight like unholy daggers.”

Phone calls on the subject made to Steinberg’s office and to the Senate Sargent-at-arms were not immediately answered.

While the source spent a large amount of time describing the forthcoming blood-rain of Steinberg’s inhuman rage assured to befall the greater Sacramento region if his soul-power is not aligned with that of his goddess-counterpart by the coming of the Autumn Solstice, he said that “mortals” should have “nothing to fear.”

“If you are owed no celestial malice, your crimson-tinged death will be essentially instantaneous,” the source confirmed.

Prop 8 ruling exciting news for man with unusual business

SACRAMENTO — Glen Williamson woke up an unhappy man this morning, another Sacramentan with a troubled small business and seemingly no way out. Yet he was all smiles this afternoon when he heard that a Federal judge had shot down 2008’s Proposition 8 - a law that defined marriage as being only between a man and a woman.

“No, I’m not gay,” said Williamson, “But I just know that gay couples everywhere will want to use my service.”

His business, ‘Tiaras for Terriers,’ has been around for two years, but has just barely survived in the current economic climate.

“In these troubled times, it seems that no one wants to rent or own formalwear or various uniforms for their dog — or sometimes cat if they’re big enough.”

Williamson said that he received many inquires from the gay community, however.

“Gay couples are simply less likely to have children to fulfill the ‘cute’ needs of a modern wedding — the flower children or the ring bearers, for example” explained Williamson. “My business adresses those concerns with style - from a simple headpiece and display pillow on your German Shephard to a full evening gown like we see on ‘Poopie’ here.” Williamson then gestured to his West Highland White Terrier, who was clad head to tail in pink chiffon.

“It’s really just about taste - and while I’m not homosexual, I think we share similar interests in how we dress our dogs.”

Williamson’s business may not be the only industry affected by the landmark decision. Gay-specific wedding planning was trending in internet searches, as were requests for “rainbow color floral arrangements,” “female-sized cutoff jackets with camo cummerbunds” and “assless tuxedo pants.”

Arizona boycott fuels area cactus shortage

SACRAMENTO — Gardeners, collectors and self-styled cowboys in the Sacramento area are reporting a major shortage of giant Saguaro cactuses in the wake of an economic boycott of Arizona following its passage of a toughest-in-the-nation immigration law.

The law, which would require law enforcement to determine citizenship status of anyone thought to be breaking the law, has been called “unconstitutional” and “fucking bullshit.”

The Sacramento City Council recently voted to boycott Arizona for as long as the law was in place, following other major California cities.

The cactus, native only to Arizona and Mexico, has been called “big,” and “really big.”

The tree-sized plants used to arrive in the state by the dozens, imported mostly by landscape designers and old-west re-constructionists, a specialized industry popular in Northern California ghost towns.

“Wild” William “Bill” “Rootin’” Watkins, fastest fake-draw in all of Sacramento County, said that he’s having a “tarnation” of a time coming up with a substitute for the cacti for his “Alright Corral” set.

“It’s a durn’ shame,” he said through a bristled handlebar moustache. “Ain’t nothin’ gonna’ look right ‘round the entrance to Ol’ Man Cullen’s haunted mineshaft, I reckon.”

Conversely, “Crazy” Frank “Tootin” Holsted supports the law, even if it is effecting his line of work as the “best fictional-dogie-wrangler” in the “Wild West re-creation lexicon.”

“Well’sir, if you ask an ol’ cowhound like me,” Holsted said, leaning against a replica hitching post, “i can’t think of nothin much more old west than blazin’ sunsets and crisp cacti.”

“But, on the other hand,I can’t be havin’ my vacation fund done get pillaged by taxes that are goin’ to them consarn’d illegals and anchor-babies.”

Undaunted after primary, candidate continues selling dream of ‘Pedophile Island’

FOUNTAIN VALLEY — Douglas Hughes is a man with a dream for California - a dream he tailored into a well-meaning primary run for the GOP gubernatorial nomination one week ago. Outspent 14,000 to 1 by front-runners Steve Poizner and Meg Whitman, Hughes barely mustered 1% of the Republican vote. But this minor setback will not stop him from realizing his dream for a safer, better California, he says.

“I’m gonna build Pedophile Island if I have to dig the god-damned dirt out of the sea myself,” said Hughes in an exclusive interview with the Sacramento Cee.

Hughes, 73 years old, is a former real estate agent who felt California wasn’t doing enough to fight the “pre-vert agenda.”

“American ingenuity has given us the Cadillac converter and the electromic blinder, but we can’t make an island off the coast of California for kiddie touchers? Hogwash.”

Hughes says he and his campaign team looked at several sites along California’s coast and in some of its larger lakes to host Pedophile Island, including The Farallones (too many sharks) Emerald Isle in Lake Tahoe (goblins) and Tom Sawyer’s Island at Disneyland (boatloads of kids on the hour) before settling on Santa Rosa Island, a relatively unused piece of land owned by the government, according to campaign website www.hughes4governor.com.

“It was perfect, my nephew-and-webdesigner Chris found it on the wikipedias. I think it was originally intended for the gaybo marys, so that’s not much of a stretch, right?” said Hughes, laughing.

“Look - we don’t want to kill ‘em. We don’t want to hurt ‘em. That’s for vengeful God to do. We just want to separate them from our regular continental-based life. You’ve seen this program, ‘The Survivor?’ It will be just like that. They can have the tribal council, dance around in their loincloths to their prevert music, and live their forsaken lives,” Hughes stated.

He said he plans to pitch the idea to the current gubernatorial candidates, Whitman and Democrat Jerry Brown, by offering his services as a campaign consultant. So far, neither camp has given him a definitive ‘yes.’

“I’ve been in contact with the folks runnin’ using the AOL,” he said. “I know a lot about politics — I watched the whole West Wing with my wife — and I know a lot about preverts — I’ve seen that ‘Predator’ show a few times too.”

Hughes says his next move is taking the message to the people. “I’ve had my nephew designed some promotional materials for me, he’s very into the idea of keeping child-hurters off the streets. He says I can get my message all over the world-web.”

Hughes netroots campaign may be working. Early reports show that ‘Pedophile Island’ is spiking as a search term among California internet inquiries — rivaling related terms such as ‘Pedobear,’ ‘Chris Hansen is watching you masturbate’ and ‘LOL, priest.’

Hobo uses homeless support to vie for Assembly seat

SACRAMENTO — In a primary election cycle where voter discontent over the economy and politics-as-usual is surging at a fever pitch, James ‘Trainyard Bob’ Rogers stands as an unlikely candidate to battle Supervisor Roger Dickinson in AD 9, riding a wave of populist support among Sacramento’s homeless voters.

“I think I can make a difference,” said Rogers, scratching himself mightily on the right thigh from his campaign headquarters behind what used to be that office supply store on 8th and S.

Through a grassroots effort that sometimes literally used sticks and reeds in order to create campaign materials, Rogers got his message of complimentary chicken dinners and more conveniently-located recycling centers to those not possessed of homes, a population that has surged during times of economic hardship and social services cuts.

At a recent campaign rally on the bricks outside CARES on 21st street, boisterous supporters of Rogers held up hand-made campaign posters written on the backs of signs that previously said ‘Veteran — anything helps.’

“We believe in his message” said a supporter, known only as ‘Midtown Charlie.’ “He connects to the issues we care about as an underrepresented minority, and he’s bringing us together.”

“Hey also can I get a cigarette?” he added.

Front-running challenger Roger Dickinson had no comment, even after Rogers accused him of being “out of touch” with the average street person.

“He’s got a house - maybe more than one,” said Rogers. “Who does he think he is? ‘We the people’ know you can get by on a cart, a bag, and a shoe.”

“The revolution is coming, and the establishment better watch out - we’re working our way from under the freeways and from behind the dumpsters to come out in force,” he said in fiery oration under the shelter of the 12th street Light Rail waiting bench. 

Time will tell if the extensive campaign, with spending totals nearing 11 U.S. dollars, will pay off.

“Polling places are hard to pinpoint when your address is ‘behind’ or ‘in the parking lot of’ something, but we’ll make do,” said Rogers. “My campaign team of Larry and Toothless Dave over there have started pounding the ground with some voter outreach, including shopping cart signs.”

“I’m in this to advance,” Rogers said firmly. “I’ll throw in two, maybe four more half-full bottles of Evan Williams if I have to — anything to get the word out.”

Public pretty pissed the government wants to give them something

STATE CAPITOL — Angry Sacramentans stood at the ready with protest signs and loud, boisterous chants Sunday as they anticipated the passage of sweeping healthcare reform in the nation’s capital.

When news came that the legislative package had passed, the mood turned to anger and tears.

“This socialist healthcare agenda risks improving health and benefits for my entire family and my friends and neighbors, and I won’t have it, ONE NATION UNDER GOD! MY GOD!” shouted a protester, who refused to give a name, citing concerns about ‘The Gestapo.’

His concerns mirrored those of other protesters in attendance at the impromptu gathering on the State Capitol’s North Lawn — with shouts of ‘Socialism,’ ‘Marxism,’ ‘Whigism,’ ‘Nazism,’ ‘Know-Nothingness’ and several terrified whispers of ‘Grantonomics’ still largely overshadowed by a roiling anger over just how inexpensive and good health coverage would now be.

“I don’t want Red-Nazi doctors telling my kids what they can and can’t do.” said protester Mary Gerber, passing out Slim Jims and signs that read ‘My Mama Says Nobama — Free my Health Plan’ to her 4 young children.

“And the idea that MY tax dollars would be forced to help someone who makes stupid choices in their life,” she continued through exhaled smoke from a Benson and Hedges, “this is America, not South Korea.”

Others expressed concerns over who would really benefit from the coverage, which guarantees health coverage for over 30 million uninsured and is designed to pass savings on to those who already have plans. “Well sir, I’m just not comfortable with this plan written solely to support welfare queens, lazy state workers, and anchor babies of illegals looking for a free ride,” said Tanner Franklin, a farm owner who regularly employs undocumented workers to clear his fields of stubborn weeds and pests. “I mean, I work with these people, and I never hear them complaining about not having any options for preventative or emergency care — of course, I don’t speak ‘Mexican.’”

A special plea came from Sandra Denny, who held a blown-up image of her daughter Denise, who has been in a persistent vegetative state for over 3 years. “President Obama, why do you want to send my precious Denise to the ‘death panel?’” she asked, sobbing and drawing a crowd of sympathizers also seemingly misinformed that health coverage would require universal killings of the enfeebled or ill.

“NO MORE DEATH! NO MORE ABORTION! NO MORE LOGAN’S RUN!” the crowd chanted, united in their opposition to any attempt at fairness, progression, or mutual good deals for insurance companies and consumers.

As the sun went down, the protesters thinned, some mounting their American-flag-adorned mobility scooters provided free by Medicare, and headed home. One protester remained into the night, his stenciled sign a silent monument to the heart and soul of the anti-healthcare movement — “Fuck Change.”

Johnson gives up ‘strong mayor’ initiative in favor of steroid abuse

DOWNTOWN — Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson released a statement Wednesday that he would officially drop his push and legal fight for a ‘strong mayor’ initiative that would be brought to voters in June.

Conversely, Johnson said in a media event earlier today that he was feeling “juiced” about his future and then asked reporters if anyone wanted to “spot him.” The mayor then removed his suit, revealing a tight-fitting lycra-spandex speedo, and began to do barbell repetitions behind the podium. “Looking good, right?” he asked as photographers snapped pictures.

Johnson’s cryptic behavior comes after months of campaigning for a strong mayor clause to be added to the city charter. In the plan, the mayor would have given Johnson executive power of the city council. Support for the initiative was mixed at best, and the measure was recently blocked from the June ballot by a Superior Court Judge.

When asked about the sudden change of policy from the mayor’s office, Johnson replied, “Oh that? I don’t need that anymore now that I have these,” flexing and kissing the top of his newly-enlarged biceps. “I don’t need any Judge telling me what I can and can’t do. I mean, look at me.” said Johnson, stepping out in full view to reveal his enlarged, well-oiled physique.

The source of Johnson’s new physical stature remains unclear, and aides are remaining tight-lipped about the changes.

Spokesman Steve Maviglio said Johnson had taken up a new diet and exercise regimen that was “heavy on carbs” and “working the core.”

Others are not convinced that Johnson is free of performance-enhancing substances.

A staffer who wished to remain anonymous told the Chronicle that in an altercation after the press conference, Johnson smashed City Manager Toby Ross through a wall in the council chambers while bellowing “MAYOR STRONGGG.”  He then ripped the right arm off of the chambers guard who attempted to subdue him and ran quickly to his office.

Furious Republican father serves ‘Democratic Kool-Aid’ at son’s party

FAIR OAKS — Gary Morrison, father of three and staunch supporter of Republican values, is known as a bit of a firebrand. Co-workers state he’s “sometimes disagreeable” when it comes to modern politics, and that “Gary’s not the kind of guy you want to say the ‘L-word’ around.” Yet area parents were outraged to hear of Morrison’s latest political outburst on Sunday, where he angrily forced glasses of fruit punch-flavored Kool-Aid beverage on party-goers at his son’s 7th birthday celebration.

The party started as a normal celebration in the backyard of the Morrisons’ home, with cake and games, including hide-and-seek and duck-duck-goose. “Everything was really fun,” said son Tracker Morrison, newly 7, “Until Daddy saw Jayson’s shirt.”

The shirt in question was screenprinted with an image of President Barack Obama and had the popular campaign slogan “Change we can Believe In.” Witnesses said the shirt caused the elder Morrison to stop in his tracks and drop the stack of presents he was bringing in the door. “I saw Gary’s face turn kind of a puce color,” said parent Sandy Forestt.

“Then came the screaming.”

The diatribe was not able to be recounted by witnesses, other than several key phrases including “Web of Lies,” “Worst deficit in modern history,” “Death squads” and “Nancy Pelosi.” When 8-year-old party goer Jennifer Watros attempted to intervene, stating “My daddy says the president’s a good man,” Morrison turned his eruption directly to her, stating “Your daddy shouldn’t be allowed to vote, he’s so god-damn stupid,” immediately bringing the young girl to tears.

Forestt said things got worse from there, with Morrison lining the distraught and sobbing children up and forcing glasses of “The Democratic Kool-aid” into their hands so that they could “drink down their lies and empty promises.” The shocked and angry parents of party attendees left quickly afterwards, dragging their children roughly away.

Morrison’s wife, Traci, defended her husband, saying that “he is under a lot of work stress,” and that the girl’s garb was “inappropriate for the occasion.”

“Who feels the need to make such a strong statement at a child’s birthday party?” she said. “I mean, Gary didn’t wear either of his Glen Beck t-shirts that day. I just don’t understand how the liberal mind works. They feel the need to politicize everything.”

Parents of the Jayson Eldridge, who worse the shirt in question, could not be reached for comment, though Jayson himself stated on the phone that he “hated Tracker now, because his dad is a mean jerk.”

When asked about why he wore the Obama t-shirt to the party, Eldridge replied “It was the first one in the drawer.”

Poll: Sacramentans sharply divided on cuteness of puppies, kittens

DOWNTOWN — A poll released today by San Francisco-based Field Research Group shows that adult Sacramentans likely to vote remain at strong odds over which animal is cuter, puppies or kittens.

Spokesman Mark DiCamillo, in town to meet with local leadership about the poll results, stated in a press briefing that “while Sacramento is certain to fawn over a baby mammal of some sort, there is no solid majority concerning which one they would rather roll around with on a warm soft surface, say, a feather bed.”

The poll indicated some 47.5% of likely voters would select kittens to scratch lovingly behind the ears, while holding a length of string near their tiny, adorable paws so that they may bat at it. Conversely, 48% stated that they would love to give “belly rubs” to an infant canine with the hope of eventual “puppy kisses” or a chance of hearing the “Arr arr arr” noise.

Respondent Sally Dane of Roseville stated that “She just doesn’t understand how a tiny, precious puppy isn’t the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in the entire world. Awwwww.” Another poll participant, George Queensland of South Sacramento, when interviewed, said “How could you not love those itty bitty kitty ears? Call me out of touch, but I just want to cuddle this tiny lil’ kitty face until it purrs itself to sleep.”

While animals of the dog and cat variety represented an overwhelming majority, several other animals were mentioned, including Shetland miniature ponies, tiny little baby chickens, and, in one case, princely baby snakes.

Area young eager to pretend they gave a shit about Haiti before 2 days ago

DAVIS — In the wake of Tuesday’s devastating 7.0-magnitude earthquake near Port Au Prince, Haiti, several hundred students at the University of California, Davis, have been holding daily rallies to both raise money for the Red Cross relief fund and to also tell you how much they knew about the impoverished nation’s numerous humanitarian crises before the temblor.

Sophomore Sarah Kwan, an organizer of the events, said “Haiti was already the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere before this earthquake — that’s a fact that a lot of people don’t know.” She continued, “It’s also a country with a rich history. Did you know that French was their official language? I think French is beautiful - Haiti deserves our help.”

Students interviewed in the UC Davis quad seemed to agree. “I can’t say I knew much about Haiti at all, and I guess I still don’t,” said chemistry graduate student Bryan Reagan. “That group over there really seems to care, however. They know so much about Haiti and its continuing problems its almost as if they brushed up the night before — I admire that.”

Several of the rally-goers also brought homemade signs projecting various views, including “More $$ for Haitian schools” “End Haitian occupation” and “Free Mumia.”

“I’m just here to do my civic duty,” claimed Harmony Stackhouse, 22. “Sure, the U.S. wants to help Haiti now that they’ve experienced a disaster, but what of the illegal sanctions being placed on Haitian travel and products? And it’s not just about cigars, people.”

UC Davis officials said the rallies remain peaceful.

“They’re out there for a good cause, I suppose. Their hearts are in the right place,” said head of campus security George Withers. “Plus, this is a welcome change from hearing about the fee increases, which the students actually seem to have some knowledge about.”

This rally and the kids’ newfound interest in Haitian issues is “endearing,” said Withers.

Governor destroys helicopter, utters one-liner

CAPITOL MALL — In response to an all-out seige on the state Capitol by a Libyan terrorist group, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Tuesday launched a surface-to-air missile at the helicopter carrying terrorist leader Mikami Al-Jurad, while simultaneously delivering the one-line speech ‘Popp-ah goes the Chopp-ah.’

What was initially intended to be a diplomatic visit quickly went astray when armed thugs kidnapped the governor’s family and held them for a heavy ransom. The governor, along with a crack team of scientists and mercenaries hatched a plan to not only rescue First Lady Maria Shriver and the couple’s 4 children but to uncover a sinister plot by the terrorist group to drain all California fresh water sources, thusly devastating the agribusiness portion of the world’s 6th-largest economy.

After many thrilling and high-octane moments, all seemed lost as Al-Jurad managed to make his way back to his escape helicopter with the control module to activate the experimental ‘evaporamator.’

In a characteristic display of post-partisan leadership, the governor severed the arms of a rocket-launcher-wielding henchman with a length of sheetmetal and brought an explosive end to the terrorist activity.

The governor’s office released a statement shortly after proclaiming the melee a “testament to Gov. Schwarzenegger’s dedication to the safety and well-being of California’s citizens.”

Yet the governor’s actions were roundly criticized by Democratic leadership. Senate Pro tem Darrell Steinberg (D- Sacramento) described the governor’s choices as “typical alpha male grandstanding” that were “setting the state of California back 10 years.”

The governor responded by tossing Steinberg out of a 4th-story window, impaling him on a wrought-iron fence. He then suggested that he “stick around.”

Mayor Johnson dunks over Attorney Teichert

CITY HALL - A standing-room only-crowd bore witness to a “spectacular throw-down dunk” by Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson over City Attorney Elieen Teichert during city council negotiations Thursday evening.

The council was originally slated to discuss land-use grants on the blighted 700 and 800 blocks of K-street, but the meeting atmosphere quickly gave way to the fever-pitch feel of a March Madness tournament when the 6’1” mayor and guard received a go-ahead pass from spokesman Steven Maviglio for a 3-point play over the 5’2” attorney.

Despite claims (and pending litigation) from the attorney’s office that“‘she was way outside the line” and “her feet were planted” the referees allowed Johnson the and-one foul conversion. after sinking the free-throw, Johnson raised a celebratory fist, illiciting a mix of raucous cheers and some boos from the at-capacity council chambers.

The play was the turning point in an easy win by the former NBA all-star over a group of lawyers with little to no basketball experience.

Johnson described his feelings after the meeting. “We had a good hustle out there - I’m very confident in my vision for a vibrant downtown center. Also, did you see me throw-the-fuck down on her? Who did she think she was taking a charge, I dunked on Olajuwon, this ain’t the YMCA, girl, this is real motherfucking LIFE.”

Added Maviglio: “Psssh.”