The Sacramento Chronicle

NORAD tracks, destroys jolly terrorist and 8 tiny IEDs

COLORADO SPRINGS - The North American Aerospace Defense Command, more commonly known as NORAD, has reported that they have identified and destroyed an air-based terrorist plot bent on the destruction of many U.S. locations, including Sacramento.

Staff Sgt. Gerard F. Denner said in a press conference that NORAD central command had been tracking an unidentifiable craft in US airspace since the early evening of Dec. 24th.

“We just couldn’t get a lock on it, the radar blip was shaking like a bowlful of jelly,” Denner said.

“At approximately 17 hundred hours, F-16 strategic fighters were scrambled from Travis AFB to intercept the object, which was flying over Northern California,” he continued. “The pilots reported a crude wooden conveyance with skis tethered to no less than 8 Afghani goats stuffed to their goat-gills with gunpowder.”

Denner said the ploy was a typical Afghani ‘trojian horse’ trick involving exploding animals.

The suspected terrorist pilot, described as a ‘chubby Osama-Bin-Laden-type’ was seen to have ‘maniacally rosy cheeks’ and soot on his nose, possibly from assembling dirty bombs.

“At 19 hundred hours, Air Force 1st Lt. James Northam launched two Sidewinder missiles at the target, effectively removing the threat,” Denner said.

NORAD command reportedly erupted into applause when the signal disappeared, with radio officers declaring “We blew that fat fuck right out of the sky.”

Arizona boycott fuels area cactus shortage

SACRAMENTO — Gardeners, collectors and self-styled cowboys in the Sacramento area are reporting a major shortage of giant Saguaro cactuses in the wake of an economic boycott of Arizona following its passage of a toughest-in-the-nation immigration law.

The law, which would require law enforcement to determine citizenship status of anyone thought to be breaking the law, has been called “unconstitutional” and “fucking bullshit.”

The Sacramento City Council recently voted to boycott Arizona for as long as the law was in place, following other major California cities.

The cactus, native only to Arizona and Mexico, has been called “big,” and “really big.”

The tree-sized plants used to arrive in the state by the dozens, imported mostly by landscape designers and old-west re-constructionists, a specialized industry popular in Northern California ghost towns.

“Wild” William “Bill” “Rootin’” Watkins, fastest fake-draw in all of Sacramento County, said that he’s having a “tarnation” of a time coming up with a substitute for the cacti for his “Alright Corral” set.

“It’s a durn’ shame,” he said through a bristled handlebar moustache. “Ain’t nothin’ gonna’ look right ‘round the entrance to Ol’ Man Cullen’s haunted mineshaft, I reckon.”

Conversely, “Crazy” Frank “Tootin” Holsted supports the law, even if it is effecting his line of work as the “best fictional-dogie-wrangler” in the “Wild West re-creation lexicon.”

“Well’sir, if you ask an ol’ cowhound like me,” Holsted said, leaning against a replica hitching post, “i can’t think of nothin much more old west than blazin’ sunsets and crisp cacti.”

“But, on the other hand,I can’t be havin’ my vacation fund done get pillaged by taxes that are goin’ to them consarn’d illegals and anchor-babies.”

Area residents stage ‘sympathy spill’ in wake of Gulf disaster

CITRUS HEIGHTS — Sandra and James Boelen saw the pictures of the BP oil rig explosion and subsequent uncontrolled spill in Louisiana and were devastated. “We could barely bring ourselves to look at the images of wildlife and shoreline destroyed by this disgusting corporate carelessness,” said James. “We knew we had to do something.”

Retribution for the Boelens came in the form of a weekend barbecue with a bold statement: purposely filling their Citrus Heights pool with a toxic mix of 10W30 motor oil, a half-full bottle of Murphy’s Oil Soap, and some canola oil from the pantry that had been there for awhile and was probably expired, if cooking oil goes bad.

“We’ve sacrificed our swimming area to bring attention to the continued environmental trauma that our Earth experiences at the hands of human greed,” said Sandra.

“It was also a little cold to swim at this point in the year,” she added.

James described the spill as an “uncapped leak from the pool floor” as oil continued to seep from the deep end, a full 8 feet below the water’s surface. Several holes James made with a screwdriver in the motor oil bottles were still spewing upwards, creating a brownish slick covering more than 80% of the pool, while gobs of oil stuck to floatie toys, including an abandoned inner tube.

“It’s really starting to mess up the filter too, I’ll bet,” he added.

Sandra Boelen stated that her husbands efforts to stop the leak have thus-far been unsuccessful.

“Just like an unchecked well a mile down in the Gulf of Mexico, this leak is located at a very dangerous and inaccessible place within the pool.”

“I’ve seen him go after the bottles with the skimmer a couple of times, but I think they’re too heavy to lift up,” she said.

The Boelen’s weekend barbecue included a donation jar to help clean the extremely localized and completely purposeful disaster, with any leftover proceeds going to help affected flora and fauna in the Gulf region.

Other residents were skeptical of the Boelen’s pleas. Neighbor Paul Gerber said “I’ve never known them to have any sort of social conscience whatsoever — I bet Jim just wanted to throw oil in the pool and see what happened, then fed that wife of his some crock about sea birds.”

“He’s kind of a dummy like that,” Gerber concluded.

Responding to criticisms from the neighborhood association that the statement was poorly thought-out and that he was solely responsible, James Boelen said, “At this point it’s not about pointing fingers or assigning blame. This is about getting this, and the other related spill in Louisiana, I suppose, cleaned up as fast as possible through a broad coalition of help.”

“I mean, it’s also going to be pretty nice next weekend and I don’t want the kids pissing and moaning about feeling all oily.”

Area young eager to pretend they gave a shit about Haiti before 2 days ago

DAVIS — In the wake of Tuesday’s devastating 7.0-magnitude earthquake near Port Au Prince, Haiti, several hundred students at the University of California, Davis, have been holding daily rallies to both raise money for the Red Cross relief fund and to also tell you how much they knew about the impoverished nation’s numerous humanitarian crises before the temblor.

Sophomore Sarah Kwan, an organizer of the events, said “Haiti was already the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere before this earthquake — that’s a fact that a lot of people don’t know.” She continued, “It’s also a country with a rich history. Did you know that French was their official language? I think French is beautiful - Haiti deserves our help.”

Students interviewed in the UC Davis quad seemed to agree. “I can’t say I knew much about Haiti at all, and I guess I still don’t,” said chemistry graduate student Bryan Reagan. “That group over there really seems to care, however. They know so much about Haiti and its continuing problems its almost as if they brushed up the night before — I admire that.”

Several of the rally-goers also brought homemade signs projecting various views, including “More $$ for Haitian schools” “End Haitian occupation” and “Free Mumia.”

“I’m just here to do my civic duty,” claimed Harmony Stackhouse, 22. “Sure, the U.S. wants to help Haiti now that they’ve experienced a disaster, but what of the illegal sanctions being placed on Haitian travel and products? And it’s not just about cigars, people.”

UC Davis officials said the rallies remain peaceful.

“They’re out there for a good cause, I suppose. Their hearts are in the right place,” said head of campus security George Withers. “Plus, this is a welcome change from hearing about the fee increases, which the students actually seem to have some knowledge about.”

This rally and the kids’ newfound interest in Haitian issues is “endearing,” said Withers.