The Sacramento Chronicle

Grandfather amazed, horrified by Google Maps

FOLSOM — Septugenarian George ‘Gip’ Tanner witnessed firsthand atomic bomb testing, a man landing on the moon, and the advent of computer and internet technology in his lifetime. But nothing could prepare him for what his 17-year-old grandson demonstrated to him during the idle afternoon of a family barbeque Saturday - his home featured prominently on google.com’s map and street view function.

“That’s … that’s MY house,” said Tanner, stammering and aghast in a mixture of shock and relative terror. “How is that on there? Why is that on there?”

“I didn’t sign up for this,” he continued.

Tanner’s grandson, Kevin, attempted to explain how satellite imagery was making a detailed aerial view of the greater Sacramento area, and most everywhere in the world, a reality. But the elder Tanner refused to believe or listen to the teen’s words, believing he’d been singled out in a mixture of miracle and curse.

“I … the computers can do that to me? We allow this?” he said.

He continued to stare with morbid curiosity and revulsion as his grandson worked at the PC. Tanner let out an audible yelp when faced with a street-view image of the home, showing his pickup truck in the driveway and his wife Betty’s marigold garden.

“He seemed pretty shocked,” said grandson Kevin Tanner. “I felt bad showing it to him afterward. I didn’t know he was going to freak out.”

“He knows how to email and IM — I thought this would be ok,” he continued.

Tanner’s shocked exception eventually turned into an anger and mistrust of the technology, as he begun to blame spectral villains, such as “Obama,” “The Axis Powers,” and “Cuba” for what he described as “an assault on the privacy of real Americans.”

Tanner’s wife, Betty, says such feelings are nothing new for her husband.

“That old coot is afraid of everything new. When we first got a video player he threw a shoe at it for ‘mocking live television.’”

Prop 8 ruling exciting news for man with unusual business

SACRAMENTO — Glen Williamson woke up an unhappy man this morning, another Sacramentan with a troubled small business and seemingly no way out. Yet he was all smiles this afternoon when he heard that a Federal judge had shot down 2008’s Proposition 8 - a law that defined marriage as being only between a man and a woman.

“No, I’m not gay,” said Williamson, “But I just know that gay couples everywhere will want to use my service.”

His business, ‘Tiaras for Terriers,’ has been around for two years, but has just barely survived in the current economic climate.

“In these troubled times, it seems that no one wants to rent or own formalwear or various uniforms for their dog — or sometimes cat if they’re big enough.”

Williamson said that he received many inquires from the gay community, however.

“Gay couples are simply less likely to have children to fulfill the ‘cute’ needs of a modern wedding — the flower children or the ring bearers, for example” explained Williamson. “My business adresses those concerns with style - from a simple headpiece and display pillow on your German Shephard to a full evening gown like we see on ‘Poopie’ here.” Williamson then gestured to his West Highland White Terrier, who was clad head to tail in pink chiffon.

“It’s really just about taste - and while I’m not homosexual, I think we share similar interests in how we dress our dogs.”

Williamson’s business may not be the only industry affected by the landmark decision. Gay-specific wedding planning was trending in internet searches, as were requests for “rainbow color floral arrangements,” “female-sized cutoff jackets with camo cummerbunds” and “assless tuxedo pants.”

Mom learns, abuses the colloquialism ‘dope’

ROCKLIN — The sons and friends of Rocklin mom Denise Fraizer are reporting that she is “totally overusing” the outmoded slang term ‘dope’ in everyday conversation after picking it up from “I don’t even know where.”

“This is ri-diculous. She gave me a bag lunch yesterday and told me that there was a ‘dope’ surprise waiting in there for me,” said Hunter Fraizer, age 13.

“It was pudding. Chocolate pudding.”

Friends of the Fraizers tell of similar concerns when being driven to Rocklin High School and Spring View Middle School as part of the Tuesday carpool.

11-year-old classmate Jeremy Jenkins said, “On the way to school she pointed out a ‘dope’ car with tinted windows. Then, a ‘dope’ house — it had Christmas lights on the porch. Then, a ‘dope’ McDonalds with a playground in front!”

“It was sooooooo lame!” he concluded.

While the Fraizers say they know that the ‘dope’ fiasco will eventually end, they seem more concerned with what phrase or word will supplant it.

“Two years ago she wouldn’t stop saying ‘Wykkid.” She even spelled it W-Y-K-K-I-D when she wrote us notes,” said Hunter Fraizer.

Added younger brother Chris Fraizer, “I heard someone say ‘sick’ around her at the store — but I don’t think she heard it.”

“At least, I hope she didn’t.”

Sacramento ranked fourth in cities to raise shitty, listless kids

SACRAMENTO — In a recent study released by the Council on Child Development in Washington D.C., The Sacramento metropolitan area was ranked number four among major U.S. cities where parents could raise wayward, poorly behaved and mediocre children.

Sprawling suburbs, a lack of funding for public schools and social programs aimed at children, and the general discontent of parents were major factors in the area’s high ranking, say statisticians who prepared the report. “Sacramento has simply turned out some of the most terribly middle-of-the-road dickheads in the country,” said Dr. Helen Petrie, who headed the study.

“There’s no other way to describe it - these kids are just plain shitty.”

Petrie said that economic factors played less of a role than expected in child crappiness.

“It’s a foregone conclusion that poor kids are going to be foul-mouthed malcontents,” she said. “But we found all sorts of children who were obviously going to grow into hyper-aggressive MMA bros, slutty baby factories, and lonely fat losers who eat pies of shame within Sacramento’s middle-and upper-class communities as well.”

She also stated that Sacramento represents what is a “perfect storm” in turning out teenage moustaches and 4:20 enthusiasts who “will never learn.”

“It’s hot here, so kids assume early that it’s ok to walk around without a shirt or in a bikini top, and the large, flat, endless suburbs almost guarantee purchase of a cheap BMX bike for transportation.”

“And with communities practically devoid of cultures, kids are bound to believe that Juggaloism or marijuana worship are valid forms of self-expression,” she added.

The number one epicenter of piss-poor children was Kansas City, MO, with a full 79% of kids raised there being awful shits beyond hope.

Cities rounding out the top five were Reno, NV, Dallas Ft. Worth, TX, Sacramento, and Tallahassee, FL.

Child horrified by not finding rings inside pet hamster

CITRUS HEIGHTS — Six-year-old Billy Hinkley was found Monday afternoon hiding under the stairs of his family’s porch following the death of his hamster, Scampy, a loss of life his parents are labeling “accidental.”

“Billy apparently misinterpreted a basic plant biology lesson.” said his mother, Janice, who then said he had been excitedly asking how old she thought the oak tree in the front yard was and if he could chop it down to see this weekend. “Mom, it could be a million years old!” he said.

“I reminded him there would be no chopping down of anything and he skipped off to his room, still talking about the idea,” she said.

David, Billy’s father, was first on the scene and said it was “an unfortunate mess.”

“Billy’s obviously very upset about what he did, and he’s also pretty confused. I think he was really expecting to find concentric growth rings in the little guy.”

David mentioned that he had put a call into the first-grade class science docent to make sure she hadn’t said anything specific about harming houseplants or pets.

“I still believe it was just a science experiment gone wrong. … And as for those gardening shears — well, I just don’t know how he got a hold of those.”

Furious Republican father serves ‘Democratic Kool-Aid’ at son’s party

FAIR OAKS — Gary Morrison, father of three and staunch supporter of Republican values, is known as a bit of a firebrand. Co-workers state he’s “sometimes disagreeable” when it comes to modern politics, and that “Gary’s not the kind of guy you want to say the ‘L-word’ around.” Yet area parents were outraged to hear of Morrison’s latest political outburst on Sunday, where he angrily forced glasses of fruit punch-flavored Kool-Aid beverage on party-goers at his son’s 7th birthday celebration.

The party started as a normal celebration in the backyard of the Morrisons’ home, with cake and games, including hide-and-seek and duck-duck-goose. “Everything was really fun,” said son Tracker Morrison, newly 7, “Until Daddy saw Jayson’s shirt.”

The shirt in question was screenprinted with an image of President Barack Obama and had the popular campaign slogan “Change we can Believe In.” Witnesses said the shirt caused the elder Morrison to stop in his tracks and drop the stack of presents he was bringing in the door. “I saw Gary’s face turn kind of a puce color,” said parent Sandy Forestt.

“Then came the screaming.”

The diatribe was not able to be recounted by witnesses, other than several key phrases including “Web of Lies,” “Worst deficit in modern history,” “Death squads” and “Nancy Pelosi.” When 8-year-old party goer Jennifer Watros attempted to intervene, stating “My daddy says the president’s a good man,” Morrison turned his eruption directly to her, stating “Your daddy shouldn’t be allowed to vote, he’s so god-damn stupid,” immediately bringing the young girl to tears.

Forestt said things got worse from there, with Morrison lining the distraught and sobbing children up and forcing glasses of “The Democratic Kool-aid” into their hands so that they could “drink down their lies and empty promises.” The shocked and angry parents of party attendees left quickly afterwards, dragging their children roughly away.

Morrison’s wife, Traci, defended her husband, saying that “he is under a lot of work stress,” and that the girl’s garb was “inappropriate for the occasion.”

“Who feels the need to make such a strong statement at a child’s birthday party?” she said. “I mean, Gary didn’t wear either of his Glen Beck t-shirts that day. I just don’t understand how the liberal mind works. They feel the need to politicize everything.”

Parents of the Jayson Eldridge, who worse the shirt in question, could not be reached for comment, though Jayson himself stated on the phone that he “hated Tracker now, because his dad is a mean jerk.”

When asked about why he wore the Obama t-shirt to the party, Eldridge replied “It was the first one in the drawer.”

Weekly weekend: Don’t miss these exciting events

The Chronicle’s staff has complied a listing of great events for the whole family in this weekend’s ‘Weekly Weekend’ section. Please check them out! Bring the kids and that .. wife, of yours.

FRIDAY

Midtown

What: Ricky Francisco is going to get all pissed because his girlfriend is talking to this dude at the club and then he’s going to smash his skyy and soda on the ground and going to get kicked out. He will then be crying on the phone with his boy like a little bitch in the alley behind Azukar.

Where: 17th and J Sts.

When: The kickout will be at 11:43, the sprinklers come on at 12:02. Pussy.

Cost: Entry: $5 Jagerbombs, $8.

SATURDAY

Sacramento

What: Bring the whole family and marvel at the Clown Parade! Come see Sacramento’s homeless and SSI recipients take their wacky constitutional from Loaves and Fishes on North B St. back to their hollowed out earthen shelters on the American River. Come later to see what happens when it begins to rain!

Where: 12th and B Sts., Sacramento

When: 11:30 a.m., after the morning feed

Cost: Free (unless you have spare change)

SATURDAY

Citrus Heights

What: Watch as 16-year-old Dana Rewner puts on headphones to ignore her dumb-shit parents who are fighting about stupid money again.

Where: Dana Rewner’s bedroom, 2340 Larkspur Way

When: Probably all fucking day, I don’t know

Cost: One bummed cigarette

SUNDAY

Roseville

What: Your ‘pal’ James McIntyre invites all of you guys to come check out some really good music and some cool discussions about some pretty rad stuff. He really wants you to come, and promises he is ‘with it.’

Where: Mt. Grace Community Multi-purpose building and events center, 1 J.C. Pkwy.

When: 10:00 am sharp! (or whenever you feel like getting there! No worries, guys!)

Cost: Can you put a price on eternal salvation? Juuuust kidding it’s free!

SUNDAY

North Highlands

What: It’s going to take bachelor Rudy Fargus, 37, two to three minutes before he realizes he is idly masturbating to the television news magazine ‘60 Minutes.’ He’ll then get up off of the couch and peer out of his open blinds, afraid someone might have seen. Arrive early so you can see the entire event.

Where: Springview apartments, #304, Watt Ave.

When: 7:16 p.m.

Cost: $2.50 for the light rail ticket.

Stoned teens make daily pilgramage to ice rink

MIDTOWN — Marijuana-enthusiast teenagers Brandon Mitchell, Paul Salvano and Chris Tanglewood are reporting that they have spent the last 3 weeks taking a walk from Salvano’s parents east Sacramento home to the Midtown Ice Rink at 20th and J Sts. with the express purpose of “checking out that thing that makes the ice smooth.”

“So we were just sitting in Skeeter’s (Salvano) mom’s basement chillin’ and then Gooch (Tanglewood) is like, yo, bro, I’m bored.” explains Mitchell from his half-laying position on an over-stuffed sofa. “So then Skeeter’s, like, hey, bro, I heard there’s this ice skating place downtown, and shit! So I was all ‘pack a B’ and then we’ll go scope some ice-babeage.”

Mitchell said that 2.5 hours later the trio was on their way. When they arrived, however, they did not find Sacramentans reveling in a contained winter wonderland but something entirely unexpected.

“Gooch was all, what the FUCK is that thing?” recounted Mitchell. “I was trippin’ balls at the time, so, I saw, like, a bulldozer, you know? But on ice! And the guy was driving it in circles, and it said something hilarious on the front, it was all … um, Zam … shit I don’t remember.”

After briefly consulting with Salvano, Mitchell continued: “Yeah! Zamboni! That’s a funny word. And then I gave Gooch a high five and we were, like, mesmerized by this thing. Then we saw that we were by Luigi’s so we totally got some ‘za, brah! hehehehehehe.”

The next day, the trio found themselves in the same situation. “I think we’ve been, like, every day,” said Tanglewood. “Oh, except that one day it was raining. No… we went that day too, just later.”

The teens cited multiple reasons for their incredibly limited crusade, including “the funny name of the ice-smoothing thing” and “The way the ice gets all shiny when it’s done” and moreover “that pizza place is like, right there!”

Mitchell said he didn’t know how long the daily trips would continue.

“I guess until it’s, like, too hot and the ice melts or something, right?” he said, shrugging.

Area young eager to pretend they gave a shit about Haiti before 2 days ago

DAVIS — In the wake of Tuesday’s devastating 7.0-magnitude earthquake near Port Au Prince, Haiti, several hundred students at the University of California, Davis, have been holding daily rallies to both raise money for the Red Cross relief fund and to also tell you how much they knew about the impoverished nation’s numerous humanitarian crises before the temblor.

Sophomore Sarah Kwan, an organizer of the events, said “Haiti was already the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere before this earthquake — that’s a fact that a lot of people don’t know.” She continued, “It’s also a country with a rich history. Did you know that French was their official language? I think French is beautiful - Haiti deserves our help.”

Students interviewed in the UC Davis quad seemed to agree. “I can’t say I knew much about Haiti at all, and I guess I still don’t,” said chemistry graduate student Bryan Reagan. “That group over there really seems to care, however. They know so much about Haiti and its continuing problems its almost as if they brushed up the night before — I admire that.”

Several of the rally-goers also brought homemade signs projecting various views, including “More $$ for Haitian schools” “End Haitian occupation” and “Free Mumia.”

“I’m just here to do my civic duty,” claimed Harmony Stackhouse, 22. “Sure, the U.S. wants to help Haiti now that they’ve experienced a disaster, but what of the illegal sanctions being placed on Haitian travel and products? And it’s not just about cigars, people.”

UC Davis officials said the rallies remain peaceful.

“They’re out there for a good cause, I suppose. Their hearts are in the right place,” said head of campus security George Withers. “Plus, this is a welcome change from hearing about the fee increases, which the students actually seem to have some knowledge about.”

This rally and the kids’ newfound interest in Haitian issues is “endearing,” said Withers.

Elderly woman ‘just doesn’t like the look’ of new neighbors

ROSEVILLE — 73-year-old Garden Springs subdevelopment resident Eleanor Stevens reported Wednesday that she had a “bad feeling” about new-to-the-neighborhood couple David Sandborn and Lacey Chavez.

“I’ve lived in this subdivision for 25-plus years,” stated Stevens, pulling down one slat of her kitchen-window mini-blinds and peering across the street. “I don’t know what’s happening to my community now. It’s like they’ll let anyone live here. I bet they got that house through some kind of mortgage scam” She continued, “And on top of it all, I can tell they’re living in sin - I wonder if their parents even know. My Lord!”

New home owners Sandborn and Chavez, who are married, obtained the house through a bank sale and several programs designed to assist first-time buyers.

“We were really fortunate to get this place, even if it’s a little smaller than we wanted” says Chavez, 31, standing in front of the one-story, 1200 square-foot ranch style home. “Fortune just smiled upon us. It’s a great neighborhood and it’s going to be a great place to raise a family.”

“They seem young, don’t they? Too young for what they’re getting into.” Stevens said while sitting in an overstuffed recliner in a bric-a-brac-strewn living room with curtains drawn. “I mean, what could they possibly do to afford such a large home? My Barry worked every day at the railyard, sometimes 10 hours, to afford this home for our family,” she continued, gesturing at a portrait of her deceased husband. “That was 25 years ago! How these kids get money these days, I just don’t know. I bet they used a high-interest credit card for those flashy cars of theirs too.”

Sandborn, 34, a projects manager at a development and planning agency, stated that his 2004 Honda Civic was “a pretty good deal.”

“It’s a used factory certified car, so I got a good price. It’s a great commuter.”

Chavez, a legal aide and graduate student, stated that the couple may sell their second vehicle soon. “I’ve taken up biking and I think I can make it to work every day soon. We’re all about saving money so we can spruce up the new home!”

Stevens said she was also worried about what element the new residents could bring to the neighborhood. “They had a party last weekend — they said it was a ‘housewarming.’ What kind of housewarming has blasting music and cars parked all over the street at 10:30 pm?” she said as she scooped wet food into a small bowl labeled ‘Little Prince’s Delight’ before presenting it to her eager Pomeranian, Precious.

“I saw a man smoking a cigarette in their front yard! Where’s the respect for your neighbors!? I’ll tell you, If I wasn’t a Christian I would have marched right over their in my bathrobe and given him a piece of my mind!”

“We had a couple friends from work and Lacey’s sisters over for a little impromptu tour last Saturday — it was really fun to get everyone out here,” said Sandborn.

“But, honestly we were pooped by 10 - we really don’t party like we used to.”

“We really feel like we’re settling in here,” said Chavez. “Several of the neighbors stopped by on Saturday. The Dukes, next door, are great, they brought us this serving platter.”

“We were sad that Mrs. Stevens from across the street didn’t drop by,” added Sandborn. “She’s such a sweet lady.”

California Tourism Board to launch new campaign

DOWNTOWN - The California Tourism Board has announced they will launch a new ad campaign this spring entitled “California: It’s not all palm trees, surfers, movie stars, homosexuals, and crazy people.”

“I’m from Whittier, and not only am I not a famous actor, I have a wife, lead a stable and sane life, and have never been surfing, period.” said CTB president Jake Forscythe. “With so much attention paid to California, stereotypes are bound to appear. We just want to let the rest of the nation know we are not all longboard-riding, coconut-spewing ‘Marys’ wearing tinfoil hats who are also Brad Pitt.”

The paradigm shift comes after several years of attempts to celebrate the state’s rich diversity. Such campaigns, including ‘California: It snows AND there’s a desert!’ and ‘California: Now featuring Yosemite National Park (the Ansel Adams one)’ were largely overshadowed by national assumption that California consisted of Los Angeles, San Francisco, and the OC.

“What we’re trying to do here,” says Forscythe, “is really focus the public’s attention on what we are not. We are proud of our abundance of gays, wackjobs, Body Glove bros, vapid celebrities, and tropical fauna, but these attributes are really turning off many would-be visitors.”

Forscythe cited a recent study conducted by the CTB where potential travelers were asked why they would or would not visit California on vacation.

While some positives were obvious, including desires to go to the Disneyland Theme Park and to see the ‘Joke Governor’ in person, several respondents replied with pointed vitriol, including “Too many fags,” or “Al Gore is from there and global warming is a lie” and “Way too many gays.”

“In these tough economic times, our one and only goal is to get people to bring their tourism dollars into this state,” continued Forscythe. If we can convince Mr. and Mrs. American that feather-boa wearing Californians aren’t going to kiss their sons on the lips while a surfing, pantsless and LSD-induced Paris Hilton whaps them with palm fronds, well, then we’ve done our job.”

Teenager: ‘This is fucking bullshit.’

CARMICHAEL - Citing his D minus on a history pop quiz combined with 3 days of work-study for excessive tardies, Del Campo High School sophomore Kenny Dewitt, in a hastily shouted news event in the 200 wing, claimed his week was ‘obviously the most fucking bullshit thing that’s happened ever.’

Dewitt went on to speak on topics at the top of his lungs concerning ‘that stupid bitch Mrs. Ramos’ and ‘obvious gaybo,’ vice-principal Gary Sanberg. The firey orator punctuated his speech with timed punches to his assigned locker and stomping, directing his words not only to friend Brian but to anyone who was within earshot.

As the period four bell rang, the teen’s media event wrapped on the subject of ‘how much trouble he’s going to fucking be in when his mom finds out.’

Dewitt then stuffed his math primer into his bookbag and stormed off to the 700 wing, where he recieved his 5th tardy of the week.