The Sacramento Chronicle

‘Same socks’ office fiasco enters tense 24th minute

DOWNTOWN — Negotiations halted today on a tense standoff between office workers Bernard Torry and Jerry Singleton over what each calls a ‘felonious’ abuse of trust in wearing the same style of Sears-brand argyle sock.

“Look, Jerry and I have discussed this. We knew we had sock copies.” said a visibly flustered Torry. “I told that bastard that I had Wednesdays. I told him.”

Singleton spat back, gesturing angrily towards the floor, “These are my god-damn socks and I’ll wear them whenever I please. This is America, not Red China.”

“Well, you’re a fat fuck,” volleyed Torry before he was physically restrained by Dave the copy clerk.

Co-workers said the scandal began as an office gag - “We both knew Jerry and Bernard had the same socks, it was funny, a joke, you know?” said secretary Sally Saunders. “We all giggled, ‘you guys are going to end up wearing those argyles on the same day soon.’”

“We said we’d call them ‘The Bobbsey (socks) Twins’ or ask them if they were going to attend a ‘sock hop’ and all had a laugh — how wrong we all were,” she said, shaking her head slowly.

With both sides completely unwilling to back down or meet the other’s demands (including rolling down their god-damn highwater pants or just wearing those loafers without socks), or even stop yelling, the standoff could last the rest of the afternoon, said office staff.

Jason the IT guy stated that “both of those guys were sun-dried dicks” and he wasn’t surprised if “they had simultaneous strokes over those stupid socks.”

Office manager G. Robert Mossman was not able to be reached for comment or mediation, as his dog got into something this morning and threw up on the living room rug.

Johnson gives up ‘strong mayor’ initiative in favor of steroid abuse

DOWNTOWN — Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson released a statement Wednesday that he would officially drop his push and legal fight for a ‘strong mayor’ initiative that would be brought to voters in June.

Conversely, Johnson said in a media event earlier today that he was feeling “juiced” about his future and then asked reporters if anyone wanted to “spot him.” The mayor then removed his suit, revealing a tight-fitting lycra-spandex speedo, and began to do barbell repetitions behind the podium. “Looking good, right?” he asked as photographers snapped pictures.

Johnson’s cryptic behavior comes after months of campaigning for a strong mayor clause to be added to the city charter. In the plan, the mayor would have given Johnson executive power of the city council. Support for the initiative was mixed at best, and the measure was recently blocked from the June ballot by a Superior Court Judge.

When asked about the sudden change of policy from the mayor’s office, Johnson replied, “Oh that? I don’t need that anymore now that I have these,” flexing and kissing the top of his newly-enlarged biceps. “I don’t need any Judge telling me what I can and can’t do. I mean, look at me.” said Johnson, stepping out in full view to reveal his enlarged, well-oiled physique.

The source of Johnson’s new physical stature remains unclear, and aides are remaining tight-lipped about the changes.

Spokesman Steve Maviglio said Johnson had taken up a new diet and exercise regimen that was “heavy on carbs” and “working the core.”

Others are not convinced that Johnson is free of performance-enhancing substances.

A staffer who wished to remain anonymous told the Chronicle that in an altercation after the press conference, Johnson smashed City Manager Toby Ross through a wall in the council chambers while bellowing “MAYOR STRONGGG.”  He then ripped the right arm off of the chambers guard who attempted to subdue him and ran quickly to his office.

Girl wasn’t checking anyone out — she was thinking of something else

DOWNTOWN — Despite hopes and strong claims by 26-year-old systems tech James Duncan to a friend that a “really hot girl” was checking him out at a downtown pharmacy on Tuesday, 28-year-old legislative aide Amber Gallegos was actually thinking of what kind of detergent her boyfriend likes the best.

“You should have seen her, she was beautiful, short blond hair, slender, probably 5’8”, Duncan excitedly wrote in an email to friend Kenny. “And I swear, bro, she was looking right at me! For like, over 30 seconds, like, really looking me up and down! I could only stand there smiling next to the cleaning stuff.”

“I think it’s obvious — that ‘dry spell’ is history!” he continued.

Gallegos, who is actually 5’9”, said she was in a large hurry that day and doesn’t remember much about her retail experience.

“Tuesday at lunch?” Oh, wow. I was in such a hurry. I needed shampoo, and cat food, and then i totally blanked on what kind of laundry soap Dylan likes the best.”

“It was Surf,” Gallegos recalled.

In a subsequent email, Duncan explained away his shyness in approaching Gallegos.

“I didn’t want to be too forward, Kenny, girls don’t like that. It was her move, dude. I’m sure she’ll be so psyched when I see her there again. She’ll probably be waiting for me to approach her tomorrow. Oh man, I’ve got to look nice so I can ask her out!”

Gallegos said she did not plan to return to the Rite-Aid location tomorrow or anytime in the near future.

“There are a lot of creepy guys there,” she said.

Poll: Sacramentans sharply divided on cuteness of puppies, kittens

DOWNTOWN — A poll released today by San Francisco-based Field Research Group shows that adult Sacramentans likely to vote remain at strong odds over which animal is cuter, puppies or kittens.

Spokesman Mark DiCamillo, in town to meet with local leadership about the poll results, stated in a press briefing that “while Sacramento is certain to fawn over a baby mammal of some sort, there is no solid majority concerning which one they would rather roll around with on a warm soft surface, say, a feather bed.”

The poll indicated some 47.5% of likely voters would select kittens to scratch lovingly behind the ears, while holding a length of string near their tiny, adorable paws so that they may bat at it. Conversely, 48% stated that they would love to give “belly rubs” to an infant canine with the hope of eventual “puppy kisses” or a chance of hearing the “Arr arr arr” noise.

Respondent Sally Dane of Roseville stated that “She just doesn’t understand how a tiny, precious puppy isn’t the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in the entire world. Awwwww.” Another poll participant, George Queensland of South Sacramento, when interviewed, said “How could you not love those itty bitty kitty ears? Call me out of touch, but I just want to cuddle this tiny lil’ kitty face until it purrs itself to sleep.”

While animals of the dog and cat variety represented an overwhelming majority, several other animals were mentioned, including Shetland miniature ponies, tiny little baby chickens, and, in one case, princely baby snakes.

California Tourism Board to launch new campaign

DOWNTOWN - The California Tourism Board has announced they will launch a new ad campaign this spring entitled “California: It’s not all palm trees, surfers, movie stars, homosexuals, and crazy people.”

“I’m from Whittier, and not only am I not a famous actor, I have a wife, lead a stable and sane life, and have never been surfing, period.” said CTB president Jake Forscythe. “With so much attention paid to California, stereotypes are bound to appear. We just want to let the rest of the nation know we are not all longboard-riding, coconut-spewing ‘Marys’ wearing tinfoil hats who are also Brad Pitt.”

The paradigm shift comes after several years of attempts to celebrate the state’s rich diversity. Such campaigns, including ‘California: It snows AND there’s a desert!’ and ‘California: Now featuring Yosemite National Park (the Ansel Adams one)’ were largely overshadowed by national assumption that California consisted of Los Angeles, San Francisco, and the OC.

“What we’re trying to do here,” says Forscythe, “is really focus the public’s attention on what we are not. We are proud of our abundance of gays, wackjobs, Body Glove bros, vapid celebrities, and tropical fauna, but these attributes are really turning off many would-be visitors.”

Forscythe cited a recent study conducted by the CTB where potential travelers were asked why they would or would not visit California on vacation.

While some positives were obvious, including desires to go to the Disneyland Theme Park and to see the ‘Joke Governor’ in person, several respondents replied with pointed vitriol, including “Too many fags,” or “Al Gore is from there and global warming is a lie” and “Way too many gays.”

“In these tough economic times, our one and only goal is to get people to bring their tourism dollars into this state,” continued Forscythe. If we can convince Mr. and Mrs. American that feather-boa wearing Californians aren’t going to kiss their sons on the lips while a surfing, pantsless and LSD-induced Paris Hilton whaps them with palm fronds, well, then we’ve done our job.”

Public: ‘Why so many news trucks?’

DOWNTOWN - Members of the public in and around the State Capitol today found a break in their regular routine of staring straight ahead after noting the abundance of satelite trucks and news vans parked in clusters on the Captiol grounds.

“Do you know what’s going on?” asked Jim Garond to a passerby. “Was there a fire? I wonder if someone got hurt. I mean, I don’t hear any sirens. Oh well.”

The typical throngs of state workers, consultants, schoolchildren and teachers walking past the north steps seemed to share in the general confusion. “Mrs. Hutton, why are all the newspeople here today?” asked ‘Lil’ Frankie Daltry, a second grader at River Oaks Elementary. “I’m not sure, Lil’ Frankie,” she replied. “Maybe they’re having a ‘Green Energy Summit’ or a ‘Terror Readiness Camp Event.’”

By 1:00 pm, the newspeople had cleared the grounds, leaving no explanation as to the where and why of their presence. Business continued as usual on the dreary gray day.

Editor’s Note: Local coverage of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s final State of the State address can be seen after 14 minutes of breaking news on the dreary grayness of the day and directly following ‘Sportz Blooperz’ with your local sports machine Frick Hudson.