The Sacramento Chronicle

Dining: Sometimes the best foods are free

DOWNTOWN - So I was walking up K Street by where that big guitar used to be but it’s not there anymore.

It was dark, no, dusk, but I saw this box with my trackin’ eye - the one that moves fast still. It was a blue box and kind of flat. And inside that box was a whole Hungry Man dinner! The box looked a little beat up but I was pretty sure it was sealed so I looked around for a minute to see if anyone had gotten dibs on it then I walked over and stuck it up under my jacket.

You know, casual.

When I got back to my room I took it out of the box and it was the chicken one - the box was pretty beat up so it was hard to tell. It looked like it had fallen off the back of a truck and then maybe got run over by a bike or something. There was a lot of chicken though, probably 4 pieces. Also it was still pretty cold, so I was kind of mad because I had to turn on the oven.

I guess my stupid landlord or the gas company or something turned off my oven though so I thought I might be out of luck or would at least have to wait until it was thawed. (I did get at most of the brownie thing cause it came out in chunks and was already on the counter).

Then, I had this good idea when I noticed my little room-heater was hot. I stuck the dinner in front of it and just left it there and then I fell asleep watching the news for a bit. When I woke up I could smell the aroma of a finely-crafted meal all through my living/bedroom. Once I found my fork I was all over it - I could barely wait because I hadn’t eaten anything but an egg that day.

Some of the middle of the chicken was still frozen but I just got to suckin’ on the bones and the meat came off. It was so much food I even had to save some of the corn - it’s right over there, sittin on my table, waiting for the next time I’m gonna be hungry.

So the moral of this story is you should keep your eye out because sometimes people just leave stuff on the ground and sometimes you can eat it.

Dining: Bumble Bee chicken salad is pretty gross

Editors note: Fleck Whineman is on vacation … or missing. We haven’t tried to call him or anything. Today’s guest dining column is written by Davey Hurmster.

SACRAMENTO — So I was in line at the Rite Aid and I saw this thing that had these chicken and tuna salads in it and I was like “well, I guess I’m hungry and this is only 2 bucks.” I was buying ear medicine.

So I bought the chicken kind because i looked at them both and the tuna looked disgusting. Did I say it was 2 bucks? Anyway I bought the chicken because I like chicken and it came with crackers and I was hungry.

When I got back to my room, I opened the box it came in. The chicken salad was in a can - one of those kinds with the rings. It also had those crackers, like the kind you get with the crackers and that orange cheese with the red stick only they were round and not rectangles. I set those aside because I couldn’t remember if I liked them or not, also I had some saltines on the table already. I like variety.

So I opened the can and the chicken salad kind of stunk. It smelled kind of like feet. Not my feet, specifically - but feet in general. That was ok though, I eat a lot of stinky food. My ex wife used to get all sore at me because I’d fry up an entire catfish every Sunday morning and then sit around pickin’ at it during the game.

So I stuck my left ring finger - that’s my tasting finger because it’s usually the cleanest - I stuck it in the salad to give it a taste. It was pretty gross. The chicken was kind of soggy. I think it was white meat. I was hoping for a torn-up leg. I was still hungry though so I got at it with the fork I had around.

I took another bite and there was this green thing in it - it didn’t taste any different though, still pretty gross. I wondered what that green thing was. It could have been a pepper. I put some on one of the saltines and it was not good. I put more of the salad on the crackers that it came with then I stacked another cracker on the top to make what i call a ‘crackwich.’

It was gross.

I ate the rest of it but I guess I wouldn’t say you should buy it or eat it if someone gives it to you because it’s not good.

As for me, though, I might eat it again because sometimes I get hungry standing in that line.