The Sacramento Chronicle

Investigations: Sen. Steinberg actually goat-like creature of night

SACRAMENTO — An unconfirmed source who chose not to be identified provided incontrovertible oral proof over the phone that Senate President pro Tem Darrell Steinberg is, in fact, a goat-like humanoid who uses the inherent evil of night to absorb ungodly amounts of power.

The source told in rasping, anonymous tones a tale of monstrous mayhem caused by the first-term State Senator. “He comes out of the shadows,” he said, “And you don’t want to meet eyes with him, oh no.”

“If you do — it’s too late.”

The source said that the “Steinberg,” a cursed being, spent moonless nights looking for the soul-power of his lost beloved, a Polynesian maiden from an ill-fated Pacific voyage of 1657.

“You see, the entity you know as ‘Darrell’ cannot rest until his one true love’s power is his own. To him, life and death have no meaning. There is only the sickening, enraging reminder of the lost aura of his betrothed.”

He continued to say that Steinberg would “stop at nothing” to reach his goal, and that his “broad-axe made quick work of the unconverted.” In the sometimes rambling hour-and-forty-five minute phone call, the source described Steinberg’s “rippling muscles clocked in stinking, matted bristle-hair” and his two large, curving horns, which “pierced into the blackness of midnight like unholy daggers.”

Phone calls on the subject made to Steinberg’s office and to the Senate Sargent-at-arms were not immediately answered.

While the source spent a large amount of time describing the forthcoming blood-rain of Steinberg’s inhuman rage assured to befall the greater Sacramento region if his soul-power is not aligned with that of his goddess-counterpart by the coming of the Autumn Solstice, he said that “mortals” should have “nothing to fear.”

“If you are owed no celestial malice, your crimson-tinged death will be essentially instantaneous,” the source confirmed.

Prop 8 ruling exciting news for man with unusual business

SACRAMENTO — Glen Williamson woke up an unhappy man this morning, another Sacramentan with a troubled small business and seemingly no way out. Yet he was all smiles this afternoon when he heard that a Federal judge had shot down 2008’s Proposition 8 - a law that defined marriage as being only between a man and a woman.

“No, I’m not gay,” said Williamson, “But I just know that gay couples everywhere will want to use my service.”

His business, ‘Tiaras for Terriers,’ has been around for two years, but has just barely survived in the current economic climate.

“In these troubled times, it seems that no one wants to rent or own formalwear or various uniforms for their dog — or sometimes cat if they’re big enough.”

Williamson said that he received many inquires from the gay community, however.

“Gay couples are simply less likely to have children to fulfill the ‘cute’ needs of a modern wedding — the flower children or the ring bearers, for example” explained Williamson. “My business adresses those concerns with style - from a simple headpiece and display pillow on your German Shephard to a full evening gown like we see on ‘Poopie’ here.” Williamson then gestured to his West Highland White Terrier, who was clad head to tail in pink chiffon.

“It’s really just about taste - and while I’m not homosexual, I think we share similar interests in how we dress our dogs.”

Williamson’s business may not be the only industry affected by the landmark decision. Gay-specific wedding planning was trending in internet searches, as were requests for “rainbow color floral arrangements,” “female-sized cutoff jackets with camo cummerbunds” and “assless tuxedo pants.”

Child horrified by not finding rings inside pet hamster

CITRUS HEIGHTS — Six-year-old Billy Hinkley was found Monday afternoon hiding under the stairs of his family’s porch following the death of his hamster, Scampy, a loss of life his parents are labeling “accidental.”

“Billy apparently misinterpreted a basic plant biology lesson.” said his mother, Janice, who then said he had been excitedly asking how old she thought the oak tree in the front yard was and if he could chop it down to see this weekend. “Mom, it could be a million years old!” he said.

“I reminded him there would be no chopping down of anything and he skipped off to his room, still talking about the idea,” she said.

David, Billy’s father, was first on the scene and said it was “an unfortunate mess.”

“Billy’s obviously very upset about what he did, and he’s also pretty confused. I think he was really expecting to find concentric growth rings in the little guy.”

David mentioned that he had put a call into the first-grade class science docent to make sure she hadn’t said anything specific about harming houseplants or pets.

“I still believe it was just a science experiment gone wrong. … And as for those gardening shears — well, I just don’t know how he got a hold of those.”

Business: George’s dog-walking service clearly better than Roger’s

MCKINLEY PARK — George’s dog-walking service is clearly better and superior to Roger’s shitty ‘dog’ ‘walking’ service, the Chronicle has found.

George D. Willows, a masterful savior of all things canine, is a dog-walking statue of David, except wearing khakis and a polo shirt. He’ll walk your dogs well, and walk them right.

“I just really like walking dogs,” said Willows.

Roger F. Johnson (we’re pretty sure the F stands for ‘failure’) is the worst person ever at walking, let alone walking dogs. This guy could get lost traveling a straight line. He’s stupid, and he smells, and he’ll treat your dogs poorly.

Johnson was not attempted to be reached for comment because we didn’t want to hear his dumb drooling voice over the phone or see his ugly haircut in person.

“I don’t know about other dog walking services in the area,” said saintly Willows, holding a border collie in the crook of his arm like Christ holding a lamb, “but I know this. If you want your dogs walked around McKinley Park 4 times, I can do it.”

“I walk any kind of dogs, too.”

Poll: Sacramentans sharply divided on cuteness of puppies, kittens

DOWNTOWN — A poll released today by San Francisco-based Field Research Group shows that adult Sacramentans likely to vote remain at strong odds over which animal is cuter, puppies or kittens.

Spokesman Mark DiCamillo, in town to meet with local leadership about the poll results, stated in a press briefing that “while Sacramento is certain to fawn over a baby mammal of some sort, there is no solid majority concerning which one they would rather roll around with on a warm soft surface, say, a feather bed.”

The poll indicated some 47.5% of likely voters would select kittens to scratch lovingly behind the ears, while holding a length of string near their tiny, adorable paws so that they may bat at it. Conversely, 48% stated that they would love to give “belly rubs” to an infant canine with the hope of eventual “puppy kisses” or a chance of hearing the “Arr arr arr” noise.

Respondent Sally Dane of Roseville stated that “She just doesn’t understand how a tiny, precious puppy isn’t the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in the entire world. Awwwww.” Another poll participant, George Queensland of South Sacramento, when interviewed, said “How could you not love those itty bitty kitty ears? Call me out of touch, but I just want to cuddle this tiny lil’ kitty face until it purrs itself to sleep.”

While animals of the dog and cat variety represented an overwhelming majority, several other animals were mentioned, including Shetland miniature ponies, tiny little baby chickens, and, in one case, princely baby snakes.