The Sacramento Chronicle

Pretty sure some news just happened

SACRAMENTO? — (THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE - CHECK BACK FOR MORE INFORMATION) The Sacramento Chronicle has learned of some news occurring in the Sacramento area. This situation could be a multiple-car injury accident. Or a building dedication. Or a protest march. Or a local company going out of business.

While preliminary details are sparse, the Cee is aware of these facts: the incident or incidents took place at 21st and T sts in midtown. Or Penryn, or maybe near Vacaville on County Road 18. Scores are believed to be injured, and many killed. Or possibly scores were killed after injuring many.

Or possibly there was a playoff-winning killing by the local sports team, the Sacramento Injuries, after scoring many.

The news is sure to affect the commutes of those who travel by train, or bus, or bicycle. Or possibly by boat, if the incident has occurred on water, as it kind of sounds like it did. Said a source who was not identified because we didn’t want to seem like we were eavesdropping, “I heard a loud bang.” The Cee has inferred that this bang could be the sound of a pandemic, or a weapon discharge, thunder, an emergency situation, a man saying the word ‘bang’ loudly, or a parade.

Local leadership has been quick to respond to whatever the heck is going on, indicating they will do “everything in their power to help out, or nothing at all if the incident turns out to be adorable ducklings frolicking in a pond.”

Mayor Kevin Johnson said in a press conference, or a phone call, or a statement (we kind of didn’t really look closely at where the information came from) “Citizens of Sacramento — everything is OK, or everything may be horrible, or congratulations 2010 NBA champion Sacramento Kings, or thanks for re-electing me. I’ll let you know which it is when I get just a bit more information.”