December 2010
5 posts
3 tags
NORAD tracks, destroys jolly terrorist and 8 tiny...
COLORADO SPRINGS - The North American Aerospace Defense Command, more commonly known as NORAD, has reported that they have identified and destroyed an air-based terrorist plot bent on the destruction of many U.S. locations, including Sacramento.
Staff Sgt. Gerard F. Denner said in a press conference that NORAD central command had been tracking an unidentifiable craft in US airspace since the...
6 tags
Perverts line up for season's hottest strap-on
SACRAMENTO — Frankie Dertmuller, assistant shift supervisor of Goldie’s Adult Boutique, spent his Saturday morning restocking shelves, hanging dildos and penis pumps with care. But he says doesn’t bother even hanging up the Christmas season’s hottest gift for the depraved, a 2 foot long strap-on device called ‘The Widowmaker.’
“Oh, we just leave those in...
4 tags
Dining: Sometimes the best foods are free
DOWNTOWN - So I was walking up K Street by where that big guitar used to be but it’s not there anymore.
It was dark, no, dusk, but I saw this box with my trackin’ eye - the one that moves fast still. It was a blue box and kind of flat. And inside that box was a whole Hungry Man dinner! The box looked a little beat up but I was pretty sure it was sealed so I looked around for a...
1 tag
Amid budget crisis, CA to consider selling state...
SACRAMENTO — Reeling from the news that the California budget shortfall may total 28 billion next year, Gov.-elect Jerry Brown and Legislative leaders have released a tentative plan to sell off excess state employees for savings of an estimated $10 billion for the next fiscal year.
“By selling off these superfluous workers, we can build a ladder to climb out of the mire, so to...
3 tags
Officials: Kings scoreboard 'works fine'
SACRAMENTO — NBA officials released a statement Wednesday evening to quell concerns from Kings fans and staff that the official scorekeeping system was in some way compromised during the team’s matchup with the Washington Wizards.
Spokesman Douglas Porter said during a post-game press conference “The scoreboard is fine. The Kings did, in fact, win tonight’s game by a...
November 2010
1 post
2 tags
Election 2010: Californians prefer crazy old man...
SACRAMENTO - When the dust settled after Tuesday’s contentious election, California’s voters had spoken clearly - they prefer a miserable, insane coot to run things, rather than a terrifyingly rich, frigid, mean old bitch.
Voters propelled Gov.-elect Jerry Brown into office after the 72-year-old ran a campaign of ‘crazy promises’ and baked bean-spittle.
“Exit...
September 2010
2 posts
2 tags
Man: Please stop calling me Waldo
CITRUS HEIGHTS — An area resident says he has been experiencing a recent, nightmarish ordeal when in public places.
Alvin Marshall says that everywhere he goes, passerby taunt him, calling him ‘Waldo.’
“They won’t leave me alone, it’s always, “Hey Waldo,” or “Look, I found Waldo — I just keep telling them ‘I’m not Waldo,...
8 tags
Church of Satan's plan to open across the street...
SACRAMENTO — Followers of LaVeyan Satanism have announced Friday they will be converting a recently-shuttered clothing store in downtown Sacramento, directly across the street from the State Capitol, into a welcome center and Satanic gift shop for the Central Valley region.
Followers of LaVeyan Satanism announced Monday that they are shocked and saddened by the lack of controversy their...
August 2010
5 posts
3 tags
Mayor Johnson: SF mayor visits Sacramento, cops...
SACRAMENTO — During a visit to Sacramento to attend a meeting on green technologies, San Fransisco mayor Gavin Newsom totally got a “holier-than-thou” attitude about Sacramento, mayor Kevin Johnson reports.
“Dude, that guy was ALL ABOUT telling us about how great San Francisco is and how much more stuff they have,” said Johnson at a press conference. “He...
3 tags
Grandfather amazed, horrified by Google Maps
FOLSOM — Septugenarian George ‘Gip’ Tanner witnessed firsthand atomic bomb testing, a man landing on the moon, and the advent of computer and internet technology in his lifetime. But nothing could prepare him for what his 17-year-old grandson demonstrated to him during the idle afternoon of a family barbeque Saturday - his home featured prominently on google.com’s map and...
8 tags
Investigations: Sen. Steinberg actually goat-like...
SACRAMENTO — An unconfirmed source who chose not to be identified provided incontrovertible oral proof over the phone that Senate President pro Tem Darrell Steinberg is, in fact, a goat-like humanoid who uses the inherent evil of night to absorb ungodly amounts of power.
The source told in rasping, anonymous tones a tale of monstrous mayhem caused by the first-term State Senator. “He...
2 tags
Dining: Bumble Bee chicken salad is pretty gross
Editors note: Fleck Whineman is on vacation … or missing. We haven’t tried to call him or anything. Today’s guest dining column is written by Davey Hurmster.
SACRAMENTO — So I was in line at the Rite Aid and I saw this thing that had these chicken and tuna salads in it and I was like “well, I guess I’m hungry and this is only 2 bucks.” I was buying ear...
11 tags
Prop 8 ruling exciting news for man with unusual...
SACRAMENTO — Glen Williamson woke up an unhappy man this morning, another Sacramentan with a troubled small business and seemingly no way out. Yet he was all smiles this afternoon when he heard that a Federal judge had shot down 2008’s Proposition 8 - a law that defined marriage as being only between a man and a woman.
“No, I’m not gay,” said Williamson, “But...
July 2010
3 posts
10 tags
Mom learns, abuses the colloquialism 'dope'
ROCKLIN — The sons and friends of Rocklin mom Denise Fraizer are reporting that she is “totally overusing” the outmoded slang term ‘dope’ in everyday conversation after picking it up from “I don’t even know where.”
“This is ri-diculous. She gave me a bag lunch yesterday and told me that there was a ‘dope’ surprise waiting in there...
2 tags
Woman is once, twice, three times a hooker
OAK PARK — 19-year-old ‘lady of the night’ Yvonne Jones made it with three separate johns in one night, an area pimp reports.
Oscar “Lil’ Papi” Wrigley, who wished to be identified as an ‘urban entrepreneur,’ said of the event, “Dumb bitch is a slut — but Papi always gets Pa-paya.” following the statement with a ceremonious kiss to...
4 tags
Arizona boycott fuels area cactus shortage
SACRAMENTO — Gardeners, collectors and self-styled cowboys in the Sacramento area are reporting a major shortage of giant Saguaro cactuses in the wake of an economic boycott of Arizona following its passage of a toughest-in-the-nation immigration law.
The law, which would require law enforcement to determine citizenship status of anyone thought to be breaking the law, has been called...
June 2010
3 posts
10 tags
Community voices: God DAMN that girl had a booty...
DOWNTOWN SACRAMENTO — John — hey John! Did you see that girl gettin’ off the light rail?! Bitch had an ASS. No … shut the fuck up, motherfucker. That girl had about the finest butt I’ve seen here in this town.
HOOOOOOOOOO.
I’m not kidding, man, that’s ‘bout the best lookin’ butt I seen — maybe ever! All plump. Plump-a-rump. Ha!...
2 tags
Undaunted after primary, candidate continues...
FOUNTAIN VALLEY — Douglas Hughes is a man with a dream for California - a dream he tailored into a well-meaning primary run for the GOP gubernatorial nomination one week ago. Outspent 14,000 to 1 by front-runners Steve Poizner and Meg Whitman, Hughes barely mustered 1% of the Republican vote. But this minor setback will not stop him from realizing his dream for a safer, better California, he...
7 tags
Tek Talk: Image of Sacramento mayor goes viral
THE INTERNET — Kevin Johnson is no stranger to fame. His image has been displayed thousands of times in different contexts, from his career as an NBA superstar to his successful work with charter schools and his time in the world of politics.
Yet Johson’s staff was left scratching their head at their bosses’ most famous role yet: viral internet meme.
As of Tuesday’s...
May 2010
4 posts
8 tags
Area residents stage 'sympathy spill' in wake of...
CITRUS HEIGHTS — Sandra and James Boelen saw the pictures of the BP oil rig explosion and subsequent uncontrolled spill in Louisiana and were devastated. “We could barely bring ourselves to look at the images of wildlife and shoreline destroyed by this disgusting corporate carelessness,” said James. “We knew we had to do something.”
Retribution for the Boelens came...
9 tags
Sacramento ranked fourth in cities to raise...
SACRAMENTO — In a recent study released by the Council on Child Development in Washington D.C., The Sacramento metropolitan area was ranked number four among major U.S. cities where parents could raise wayward, poorly behaved and mediocre children.
Sprawling suburbs, a lack of funding for public schools and social programs aimed at children, and the general discontent of parents were major...
7 tags
Man accused of sexual assault uses 'Hump Day'...
WOODLAND - A 39-year-old Davis man accused of more than a dozen accounts of sexual harassment and assault told a jury in the Yolo County courthouse Wednesday that his crimes were a “grave misunderstanding.”
Leon Wilkins, appearing in a blue Yolo County Jail jumpsuit and looking somewhat distressed, plead for understanding. “I can only say that I’m as confused as you all...
8 tags
Hobo uses homeless support to vie for Assembly...
SACRAMENTO — In a primary election cycle where voter discontent over the economy and politics-as-usual is surging at a fever pitch, James ‘Trainyard Bob’ Rogers stands as an unlikely candidate to battle Supervisor Roger Dickinson in AD 9, riding a wave of populist support among Sacramento’s homeless voters.
“I think I can make a difference,” said Rogers,...
April 2010
1 post
8 tags
Pretty sure some news just happened
SACRAMENTO? — (THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE - CHECK BACK FOR MORE INFORMATION) The Sacramento Chronicle has learned of some news occurring in the Sacramento area. This situation could be a multiple-car injury accident. Or a building dedication. Or a protest march. Or a local company going out of business.
While preliminary details are sparse, the Cee is aware of these facts: the incident...
March 2010
7 posts
4 tags
Shitty old couch on craigslist for 13 months beats...
NORTH HIGHLANDS — A dumpy, old, overpriced couch that no one wants has at least received one accolade; a record.
The couch, described in the ad as being in “good shape” even though it’s clearly ripped up and covered in unidentifiable brown or reddish stains, was first placed for sale on the online classifieds site Craigslist.org in February of 2009 at a price of 320...
3 tags
Child horrified by not finding rings inside pet...
CITRUS HEIGHTS — Six-year-old Billy Hinkley was found Monday afternoon hiding under the stairs of his family’s porch following the death of his hamster, Scampy, a loss of life his parents are labeling “accidental.”
“Billy apparently misinterpreted a basic plant biology lesson.” said his mother, Janice, who then said he had been excitedly asking how old she...
7 tags
Public pretty pissed the government wants to give...
STATE CAPITOL — Angry Sacramentans stood at the ready with protest signs and loud, boisterous chants Sunday as they anticipated the passage of sweeping healthcare reform in the nation’s capital.
When news came that the legislative package had passed, the mood turned to anger and tears.
“This socialist healthcare agenda risks improving health and benefits for my entire family...
9 tags
Sacramento preservation expert moves into shiny...
MIDTOWN — The established areas of Sacramento have developed over time, with marked changes occuring to the skyline, the uses of buildings, and even the street height. No one is more aware of this than Geddy Thompkins, a local historian and vocal proponent of building preservation who just got a really nice top floor office in a glass-and-steel mixed-use building at 20th and L Sts.
...
13 tags
'Same socks' office fiasco enters tense 24th...
DOWNTOWN — Negotiations halted today on a tense standoff between office workers Bernard Torry and Jerry Singleton over what each calls a ‘felonious’ abuse of trust in wearing the same style of Sears-brand argyle sock.
“Look, Jerry and I have discussed this. We knew we had sock copies.” said a visibly flustered Torry. “I told that bastard that I had Wednesdays....
2 tags
Sacramento area plays host to novel 'extreme'...
LOCKEFORD — The town of Lockeford is accustomed to the sound of farming equipment, small planes, and foothills breeze winding through tree limbs.
They weren’t quite ready for the dune buggies, sport bikes, and monster SUVs.
“I go big, baby, and I don’t care who’s offended,” said Gideon Finkinny, sitting atop a hill on a specially-modified Sea-doo with tank...
2 tags
Boring Facebook update leads to instant...
NORTH HIGHLANDS — An area man has simultaneously lost all 28 of his Facebook contacts with a single status update.
Garrett Duncan, 34, said he was “dumbfounded” by the sudden deletion of all users who considered him a friend on the popular social networking site.
His update, “Feeling good today,” was posted at 7:34 p.m. Monday evening. “When I checked back at...
February 2010
11 posts
2 tags
Area man sees Goatse everywhere
ORANGEVALE — David Ricks, a local chef and internet enthusiast, is reporting sightings of unintentional Goatse in numerous places in the Sacramento area.
“Buildings, schools, formations of people, it doesn’t matter,” says Ricks, standing outside the entrance to his suburban home. “It’s all Goatse. Hell, look at the way the shutters and mouldings frame my front...
9 tags
Giant Delta tunnel joins list of 'loony'...
HOOD - The sleepy riverfront settlement of Hood, Ca, south of Sacramento, recently found itself on the map as the beginning of an enormous water diversion tunnel to pump Northern California water under the Delta to a agricultural canal serving the central and south state.
Residents may be asking “why us?” But they are not alone. Many communities and individuals are finding themselves...
3 tags
Fans appalled by recent Kings wins
DETROIT — The Sacramento Kings celebrated their 18th win of the season Wednesday night, edging the Detroit Pistons 103-97 at the Palace of Auburn Hills, and Sacramentans could not be more upset.
“This is just not the kind of performance we expect from this team,” said longtime Kings fan Chris Weist. “I mean, making defensive stops? Fourth quarter toughness? What are they...
9 tags
Business: George's dog-walking service clearly...
MCKINLEY PARK — George’s dog-walking service is clearly better and superior to Roger’s shitty ‘dog’ ‘walking’ service, the Chronicle has found.
George D. Willows, a masterful savior of all things canine, is a dog-walking statue of David, except wearing khakis and a polo shirt. He’ll walk your dogs well, and walk them right.
“I just really...
9 tags
Shenanigans leave one dead; three hospitalized
SOUTH SACRAMENTO — The Sacramento Police Department is reporting that one person is dead and three injured in an apparent case of shenanigans early Monday morning.
The horseplay, apparently occurring after a Super Bowl party got “a little rowdy,” proved fatal for 27-year-old Garrett McCutcheon, reports Sgt. Norm Leong. McCutcheon apparently drowned after having his mouth filled...
11 tags
Young adult's webcam to permanently capture most...
MIDTOWN — Dana Wilcox, like many twenty-somethings, spends a good amount of her free time browsing the internet. She is a member of social networking sites Facebook, Myspace.com, and Twitter. Her profiles provide a colorful portrait of the bubbly 23-year-old. However a recently-purchased webcam will provide the internet community with a direct line of sight into the young woman’s most...
4 tags
Dining and whining: Getting my fill from...
Greetings, greetings, Sacramento foodists! I have missed you in my absence from your eyes and minds. Yes, I, Mr. Fleck Whineman, have taken a two-week vacation for some much-needed soul searching and a delightful visit from Mother. However now I return, like a hungry phoenix, to grace your minds-appetite with the fineries of dining here in this, the wonderful city of trees! Ha, ha!
Reader, do...
11 tags
Johnson gives up 'strong mayor' initiative in...
DOWNTOWN — Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson released a statement Wednesday that he would officially drop his push and legal fight for a ‘strong mayor’ initiative that would be brought to voters in June.
Conversely, Johnson said in a media event earlier today that he was feeling “juiced” about his future and then asked reporters if anyone wanted to “spot...
7 tags
Girl wasn't checking anyone out -- she was...
DOWNTOWN — Despite hopes and strong claims by 26-year-old systems tech James Duncan to a friend that a “really hot girl” was checking him out at a downtown pharmacy on Tuesday, 28-year-old legislative aide Amber Gallegos was actually thinking of what kind of detergent her boyfriend likes the best.
“You should have seen her, she was beautiful, short blond hair, slender,...
4 tags
Furious Republican father serves 'Democratic...
FAIR OAKS — Gary Morrison, father of three and staunch supporter of Republican values, is known as a bit of a firebrand. Co-workers state he’s “sometimes disagreeable” when it comes to modern politics, and that “Gary’s not the kind of guy you want to say the ‘L-word’ around.” Yet area parents were outraged to hear of Morrison’s latest...
January 2010
19 posts
6 tags
MIDTOWN PARTY CALENDAR HAYYY
YOU KNOW WHERE — Here’s some dumb shit for you and your ugly friends to waste your weekend away with — brought to you by the Sacramento Chronicle and its fine sponsors, including The Egg Yolker and Timmy Larry’s Discount Mismatched Shoe Barn and Restaurant.
Avalon Nightclub, 16th and H Sts.
FRIDAY: Dance to your favorite top-40 hits (incl. NeYo) pumping out of the head...
11 tags
Poll: Sacramentans sharply divided on cuteness of...
DOWNTOWN — A poll released today by San Francisco-based Field Research Group shows that adult Sacramentans likely to vote remain at strong odds over which animal is cuter, puppies or kittens.
Spokesman Mark DiCamillo, in town to meet with local leadership about the poll results, stated in a press briefing that “while Sacramento is certain to fawn over a baby mammal of some sort, there...
8 tags
Statewide prisoner release program spawns inmate...
FOLSOM — In response to the continuing budget crisis, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced Monday that the the cash-strapped Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation would begin releasing certain eligible prisoners with time served. With the abrupt start the program, the state’s correctional facilities are scrambling to determine just who will be released.
“I’ll tell...
6 tags
Joke newspapers hard-hit by fake recessions,...
SACRAMENTO — The Sacramento Chronicle on Friday announced a 26% cut in its fictional operating budget forcing layoffs of 45 of its non-existent full-time newsroom staff.
The cuts echo other similar financial woes other fake newspapers have dealt with in the past 2 years. In July, Denver’s ‘Good Timez Nooz’ folded, leaving roughly 450 broadly-drawn stereotypes looking for...
7 tags
Report: 7/10 Sacramento drivers instantly crash...
ROSEVILLE — It’s a scene that is far too common these days: A smoldering, twisted mess of metal on the area’s roads and freeways. After a big rig collided with a van carrying a family of four, the victims were shocked and relieved that no one was hurt.
“I’m certain I did nothing wrong,” said truck driver Harry Harrison of North Highlands, “But, you know,...
10 tags
Roger Duncan, dead at 54, invented popular tattoo...
RANCHO CORDOVA — Roger Duncan, a man recognized for popularizing the immensely popular lower back tattoo placement known as ‘the tramp stamp’ was found dead in his Rancho Cordova mobile home Monday. He was 54.
The coroner’s office says that no cause of death was immediately apparent, and foul play did not appear to be involved. Duncan lived alone in his single-wide trailer...
7 tags
City council to examine next round of arena...
DOWNTOWN — The Sacramento City Council will convene on Wednesday night to look at yet another set of proposals for a new NBA arena from local developers, citizens and visionaries. These proposals will be added to the already long list of potential locations for the much-discussed arena, including the railyards development, anchored to the Downtown Plaza mall, and the Cal Expo site.
...