The Sacramento Chronicle

NORAD tracks, destroys jolly terrorist and 8 tiny IEDs

COLORADO SPRINGS - The North American Aerospace Defense Command, more commonly known as NORAD, has reported that they have identified and destroyed an air-based terrorist plot bent on the destruction of many U.S. locations, including Sacramento.

Staff Sgt. Gerard F. Denner said in a press conference that NORAD central command had been tracking an unidentifiable craft in US airspace since the early evening of Dec. 24th.

“We just couldn’t get a lock on it, the radar blip was shaking like a bowlful of jelly,” Denner said.

“At approximately 17 hundred hours, F-16 strategic fighters were scrambled from Travis AFB to intercept the object, which was flying over Northern California,” he continued. “The pilots reported a crude wooden conveyance with skis tethered to no less than 8 Afghani goats stuffed to their goat-gills with gunpowder.”

Denner said the ploy was a typical Afghani ‘trojian horse’ trick involving exploding animals.

The suspected terrorist pilot, described as a ‘chubby Osama-Bin-Laden-type’ was seen to have ‘maniacally rosy cheeks’ and soot on his nose, possibly from assembling dirty bombs.

“At 19 hundred hours, Air Force 1st Lt. James Northam launched two Sidewinder missiles at the target, effectively removing the threat,” Denner said.

NORAD command reportedly erupted into applause when the signal disappeared, with radio officers declaring “We blew that fat fuck right out of the sky.”

Perverts line up for season’s hottest strap-on

SACRAMENTO — Frankie Dertmuller, assistant shift supervisor of Goldie’s Adult Boutique, spent his Saturday morning restocking shelves, hanging dildos and penis pumps with care. But he says doesn’t bother even hanging up the Christmas season’s hottest gift for the depraved, a 2 foot long strap-on device called ‘The Widowmaker.’

“Oh, we just leave those in a box by the door — them motherfuckers are going fast,” he said, with a twinkle in the eye not covered by his surgical dressing.

The Widowmaker is on every pervert’s wish list this season. The device, which retails for $49.95 and comes color choices of blush, taupe or mocha, gained popularity earlier this Fall after being featured in ‘Ruin my Wife 7,’ a DVD and instant download feature film.

Jennie Arbor was at Goldie’s buying the device for her husband soon after it opened on Saturday.

“Jason is just notorious to buy for,” she said. “I’m excited to get him something that I know he’s going to love.”

“Plus, I can’t wait to tie it on and remind him what a filthy, useless bitch he is.”

Dining: Sometimes the best foods are free

DOWNTOWN - So I was walking up K Street by where that big guitar used to be but it’s not there anymore.

It was dark, no, dusk, but I saw this box with my trackin’ eye - the one that moves fast still. It was a blue box and kind of flat. And inside that box was a whole Hungry Man dinner! The box looked a little beat up but I was pretty sure it was sealed so I looked around for a minute to see if anyone had gotten dibs on it then I walked over and stuck it up under my jacket.

You know, casual.

When I got back to my room I took it out of the box and it was the chicken one - the box was pretty beat up so it was hard to tell. It looked like it had fallen off the back of a truck and then maybe got run over by a bike or something. There was a lot of chicken though, probably 4 pieces. Also it was still pretty cold, so I was kind of mad because I had to turn on the oven.

I guess my stupid landlord or the gas company or something turned off my oven though so I thought I might be out of luck or would at least have to wait until it was thawed. (I did get at most of the brownie thing cause it came out in chunks and was already on the counter).

Then, I had this good idea when I noticed my little room-heater was hot. I stuck the dinner in front of it and just left it there and then I fell asleep watching the news for a bit. When I woke up I could smell the aroma of a finely-crafted meal all through my living/bedroom. Once I found my fork I was all over it - I could barely wait because I hadn’t eaten anything but an egg that day.

Some of the middle of the chicken was still frozen but I just got to suckin’ on the bones and the meat came off. It was so much food I even had to save some of the corn - it’s right over there, sittin on my table, waiting for the next time I’m gonna be hungry.

So the moral of this story is you should keep your eye out because sometimes people just leave stuff on the ground and sometimes you can eat it.

Amid budget crisis, CA to consider selling state workers

SACRAMENTO — Reeling from the news that the California budget shortfall may total 28 billion next year, Gov.-elect Jerry Brown and Legislative leaders have released a tentative plan to sell off excess state employees for savings of an estimated $10 billion for the next fiscal year.

“By selling off these superfluous workers, we can build a ladder to climb out of the mire, so to speak” said Brown after a meeting with Assembly leaders. “This is a real-world solution to the state’s problems. Let’s do it.”

The announcement comes on the heel of the state’s plan to sell off some state buildings, with the proceeds going to replenish the State’s General Fund. That plan, forwarded by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, was recently deemed admisable by San Francisco judge.

“This is the next step in the process,” Brown said. “Let’s get down to business and sell off everything cluttering up government.”

“Everything, and everyone,” he continued.

Brown and the Legislature has not named a buyer for the rank-and-file employees, though they have said publicly that there is a “good amount of interest.” A Department of General Services official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said most state workers would be placed in programs of indentured servitude in far-away lands.

“The military-controlled government of Myanmar has given us a lot of positive signs that they are looking to make a large purchase,” said the official.

“Those mercury mines aren’t going to milk themselves.” he continued.

There has been some resistance to the proposed sell-off, mostly by labor groups concerned about their employees getting what they call a “fair shake.”

Regina Juarez, a spokesperson for the SEIU Local 1000, said that while employees would still be entitled to their full pensions and vacation plans, they may face “inhuman working conditions and twisted, unthinkable sexual situations, what a layman would call ‘hot slavery.’”

“We don’t want any of our employees being held as an erotic plaything for a sultan or warlord unless they’re fully qualified to do so,” said Juarez. “We could have a Systems Analyst II losing an arm in a farming explosion or an Office Tech I being forced to pantslessly belly-dance for the amusement of a demi-god.”

“None of these things were ratified in the contracts last year,” she said.

Similar pilot programs in private industry have been considered satisfactory. In 2008 Hewett-Packard sold 80 employees from their printing and packaging division to Nigerian boy-general S’kembie Untunbu.

Of the 24 surviving employees, 8 have been inducted into the officers’ program in the mandatory armed forces.

Officials: Kings scoreboard ‘works fine’

SACRAMENTO — NBA officials released a statement Wednesday evening to quell concerns from Kings fans and staff that the official scorekeeping system was in some way compromised during the team’s matchup with the Washington Wizards.

Spokesman Douglas Porter said during a post-game press conference “The scoreboard is fine. The Kings did, in fact, win tonight’s game by a margin of 25 points.”

Skeptical fans, already unsure of what to do while the Kings dominated the paint and held a steady 10+ point lead during the night, erupted into cries and boos after the fourth quarter buzzer sounded, shouting “Fix the score!” and “Stop torturing us!”

Even veteran announcer Gary Gerould was quoted during his radio broadcast as saying “And as if things couldn’t get any worse, we now see the scorekeeping system in the aging Arco Arena is malfunctioning, showing the Kings actually winning the game tonight.”

“It’s not fair to the fans, and it’s not fair to this troubled franchise. I’m frankly disgusted that the NBA cares so little about this small market as to not even maintain something this simple.” he continued.

The Kings bench, many woken out of a light slumber when the game ended, seemed confused and irritated when the floor players began to celebrate.

Beno Udrih, who’s novelty Kings pillow was jostled off the corner of an empty court-side seat, angrily snapped “Can’t a loser get a little rest?”

Election 2010: Californians prefer crazy old man to wealthy dowager

SACRAMENTO - When the dust settled after Tuesday’s contentious election, California’s voters had spoken clearly - they prefer a miserable, insane coot to run things, rather than a terrifyingly rich, frigid, mean old bitch.

Voters propelled Gov.-elect Jerry Brown into office after the 72-year-old ran a campaign of ‘crazy promises’ and baked bean-spittle. 

“Exit polling showed that the electorate connected with Brown’s rather populist messages of ‘dadgumit’ and ‘consarnit,’” said Nelson Mackey of the non-partisan Pew Research Center.

Conversely, voters felt uneasy electing Whitman, seen as a “lonely old lady who lives in a giant mansion and wears furs,” said Mackey.

“Voters weren’t comfortable installing someone into office who should be made to annoyedly harumph at the hyjinks of the everyman, say a “Larry,” or “Curly.”

28-year-old delivery driver Steve Darnon, who identified himself as an independent, said he cast his vote for Brown because he could change the dialogue in California politics.

“Look at how old he is!” said Darnon. “He’s like my grandpa. I bet he’ll say something totally nuts, like, every day.”

As for Whitman, Darnon said her campaigns constant advertising blitz was a turnoff.

“The more I saw her on TV, the more I could imagine bats flying out of her vagina,” he said.

Man: Please stop calling me Waldo

CITRUS HEIGHTS — An area resident says he has been experiencing a recent, nightmarish ordeal when in public places.

Alvin Marshall says that everywhere he goes, passerby taunt him, calling him ‘Waldo.’

“They won’t leave me alone, it’s always, “Hey Waldo,” or “Look, I found Waldo — I just keep telling them ‘I’m not Waldo, that I don’t know any Waldo,’ but they just won’t listen.”

“This has cost me friends,” Marshall says. “No one wants to hang around with the guy who keeps getting names yelled at him.”

Marshall says he is “baffled” as to why he is being singled out. “I may not be the most attractive thing out there, and yeah, I wear glasses. Lots of people do. Also, I have a trick knee, so I use a cane when I walk sometimes. Does that make me some kind of ‘Waldo?’ What does that even mean, anyway?”

He says the taunting has begun very recently, almost exclusively in the evenings.

“Its been cold lately, but I like that — I finally got to wear the sweater and hat set my aunt got me for my birthday. If I could only get people to stop screaming at me, I’d be a real happy guy.”

Church of Satan’s plan to open across the street from Capitol causes no controversy whatsoever

SACRAMENTO — Followers of LaVeyan Satanism have announced Friday they will be converting a recently-shuttered clothing store in downtown Sacramento, directly across the street from the State Capitol, into a welcome center and Satanic gift shop for the Central Valley region.

Followers of LaVeyan Satanism announced Monday that they are shocked and saddened by the lack of controversy their previous announcement has generated.

“Come on, we’re freaking devil worshipers, for Satan’s sake!” said Magus Jerry Anton McBride, while sticking out his tongue, rolling back his eyes, and thrusting two index fingers skyward on each temple.

“We’re scary, remember?”

Magus McBride, who serves as head administrator for church affairs as well as its dark sayer of His Satanic Majesty’s unholy dooms, stated in an interview that the public terror and resentment of Satanism has been steadily decreasing as more and more Americans turn to hating other organized religions or groups of people.

“We’re fighting a multi-front battle,” McBride said. “You’ve got Fundamentalist Islamic terrorists blowing up landmarks, conservative Christians shooting doctors and burning books, and the ‘KookyJews’ throwing pigs off cliffs so no one will eat them.”

“We may make your son listen to metal, or perhaps sacrifice a goat here or there, but that’s just not cutting it anymore.”

McBride says the trends are troubling for a religion that relies on fear to spread its message.

“We may as well be Unitarians in gothic costume. The days of our group driving despair and loathing into the hearts of good country people are long past. ‘James P. Normal’ is too busy being terrified of illegal immigration and hating homosexuals to pay us any mind.”

McBride said the organization was still going ahead with a star-studded opening gala with High Priestess Peggy Nadrarmia and celebrated celebrity Satanist Steve Guttenberg. He promised it would make guests feel as though “their flesh had been torn from their bodies in an agonizing 1000-year ritual, while brimstone-scorched oil was poured from terrible heights onto their rotting innards in an orgy of filth and pain.”

“Plus, we got that diners and drive-ins guy catering,” McBride said. Have you HAD those wasabi jalapeno poppers he makes? Out of this world.”

Mayor Johnson: SF mayor visits Sacramento, cops ‘tude

SACRAMENTO — During a visit to Sacramento to attend a meeting on green technologies, San Fransisco mayor Gavin Newsom totally got a “holier-than-thou” attitude about Sacramento, mayor Kevin Johnson reports.

“Dude, that guy was ALL ABOUT telling us about how great San Francisco is and how much more stuff they have,” said Johnson at a press conference. “He was, like, ‘Man, that’s your Capitol building? Our City Hall is bigger than that.’”

Johnson also said that Newsom was upset about the lunch they had at Panda Express restaurant.

“He was all pissed that I took him to Panda.” said Johnson.

“He said he wanted Chinese food, and everyone in Sac knows they have the best orange chicken in the city, right? And he was all, ‘you took me to a chain??’”

“What a bitch,” he said.

Newsom said in a phone interview this afternoon that “He totally likes Sacramento,” and that Johnson was “just being butthurt.”

“Look, Sacramento is a cute little town — real quaint,” said Newsom. “But the people there are kind of, I don’t know, not cosmopolitan or something.”

“I mean, a chain? Come on.”

Newsom also said that while the tree-lined streets were nice, that “there wasn’t really anything to do,” and “you have to take a car everywhere,” and that “the bars sucked.”

“I mean, I have friends from here who moved to ‘the city,” He said. “I guess I see why - they’re artists and musicians, you know, and that scene kinda sucks here.”

“SF is way better for like, creative people.”

Newsom says that despite the disagreement, there are no hurt feelings and that Johnson can come to SF whenever he likes.

“We can hang out at the park and then I’ll take him to this amazing little organic Vietnamese place in the Mission,” said Newsom.

“They have veggie Pho that’s really filling.”

Grandfather amazed, horrified by Google Maps

FOLSOM — Septugenarian George ‘Gip’ Tanner witnessed firsthand atomic bomb testing, a man landing on the moon, and the advent of computer and internet technology in his lifetime. But nothing could prepare him for what his 17-year-old grandson demonstrated to him during the idle afternoon of a family barbeque Saturday - his home featured prominently on google.com’s map and street view function.

“That’s … that’s MY house,” said Tanner, stammering and aghast in a mixture of shock and relative terror. “How is that on there? Why is that on there?”

“I didn’t sign up for this,” he continued.

Tanner’s grandson, Kevin, attempted to explain how satellite imagery was making a detailed aerial view of the greater Sacramento area, and most everywhere in the world, a reality. But the elder Tanner refused to believe or listen to the teen’s words, believing he’d been singled out in a mixture of miracle and curse.

“I … the computers can do that to me? We allow this?” he said.

He continued to stare with morbid curiosity and revulsion as his grandson worked at the PC. Tanner let out an audible yelp when faced with a street-view image of the home, showing his pickup truck in the driveway and his wife Betty’s marigold garden.

“He seemed pretty shocked,” said grandson Kevin Tanner. “I felt bad showing it to him afterward. I didn’t know he was going to freak out.”

“He knows how to email and IM — I thought this would be ok,” he continued.

Tanner’s shocked exception eventually turned into an anger and mistrust of the technology, as he begun to blame spectral villains, such as “Obama,” “The Axis Powers,” and “Cuba” for what he described as “an assault on the privacy of real Americans.”

Tanner’s wife, Betty, says such feelings are nothing new for her husband.

“That old coot is afraid of everything new. When we first got a video player he threw a shoe at it for ‘mocking live television.’”

Investigations: Sen. Steinberg actually goat-like creature of night

SACRAMENTO — An unconfirmed source who chose not to be identified provided incontrovertible oral proof over the phone that Senate President pro Tem Darrell Steinberg is, in fact, a goat-like humanoid who uses the inherent evil of night to absorb ungodly amounts of power.

The source told in rasping, anonymous tones a tale of monstrous mayhem caused by the first-term State Senator. “He comes out of the shadows,” he said, “And you don’t want to meet eyes with him, oh no.”

“If you do — it’s too late.”

The source said that the “Steinberg,” a cursed being, spent moonless nights looking for the soul-power of his lost beloved, a Polynesian maiden from an ill-fated Pacific voyage of 1657.

“You see, the entity you know as ‘Darrell’ cannot rest until his one true love’s power is his own. To him, life and death have no meaning. There is only the sickening, enraging reminder of the lost aura of his betrothed.”

He continued to say that Steinberg would “stop at nothing” to reach his goal, and that his “broad-axe made quick work of the unconverted.” In the sometimes rambling hour-and-forty-five minute phone call, the source described Steinberg’s “rippling muscles clocked in stinking, matted bristle-hair” and his two large, curving horns, which “pierced into the blackness of midnight like unholy daggers.”

Phone calls on the subject made to Steinberg’s office and to the Senate Sargent-at-arms were not immediately answered.

While the source spent a large amount of time describing the forthcoming blood-rain of Steinberg’s inhuman rage assured to befall the greater Sacramento region if his soul-power is not aligned with that of his goddess-counterpart by the coming of the Autumn Solstice, he said that “mortals” should have “nothing to fear.”

“If you are owed no celestial malice, your crimson-tinged death will be essentially instantaneous,” the source confirmed.

Dining: Bumble Bee chicken salad is pretty gross

Editors note: Fleck Whineman is on vacation … or missing. We haven’t tried to call him or anything. Today’s guest dining column is written by Davey Hurmster.

SACRAMENTO — So I was in line at the Rite Aid and I saw this thing that had these chicken and tuna salads in it and I was like “well, I guess I’m hungry and this is only 2 bucks.” I was buying ear medicine.

So I bought the chicken kind because i looked at them both and the tuna looked disgusting. Did I say it was 2 bucks? Anyway I bought the chicken because I like chicken and it came with crackers and I was hungry.

When I got back to my room, I opened the box it came in. The chicken salad was in a can - one of those kinds with the rings. It also had those crackers, like the kind you get with the crackers and that orange cheese with the red stick only they were round and not rectangles. I set those aside because I couldn’t remember if I liked them or not, also I had some saltines on the table already. I like variety.

So I opened the can and the chicken salad kind of stunk. It smelled kind of like feet. Not my feet, specifically - but feet in general. That was ok though, I eat a lot of stinky food. My ex wife used to get all sore at me because I’d fry up an entire catfish every Sunday morning and then sit around pickin’ at it during the game.

So I stuck my left ring finger - that’s my tasting finger because it’s usually the cleanest - I stuck it in the salad to give it a taste. It was pretty gross. The chicken was kind of soggy. I think it was white meat. I was hoping for a torn-up leg. I was still hungry though so I got at it with the fork I had around.

I took another bite and there was this green thing in it - it didn’t taste any different though, still pretty gross. I wondered what that green thing was. It could have been a pepper. I put some on one of the saltines and it was not good. I put more of the salad on the crackers that it came with then I stacked another cracker on the top to make what i call a ‘crackwich.’

It was gross.

I ate the rest of it but I guess I wouldn’t say you should buy it or eat it if someone gives it to you because it’s not good.

As for me, though, I might eat it again because sometimes I get hungry standing in that line.

Prop 8 ruling exciting news for man with unusual business

SACRAMENTO — Glen Williamson woke up an unhappy man this morning, another Sacramentan with a troubled small business and seemingly no way out. Yet he was all smiles this afternoon when he heard that a Federal judge had shot down 2008’s Proposition 8 - a law that defined marriage as being only between a man and a woman.

“No, I’m not gay,” said Williamson, “But I just know that gay couples everywhere will want to use my service.”

His business, ‘Tiaras for Terriers,’ has been around for two years, but has just barely survived in the current economic climate.

“In these troubled times, it seems that no one wants to rent or own formalwear or various uniforms for their dog — or sometimes cat if they’re big enough.”

Williamson said that he received many inquires from the gay community, however.

“Gay couples are simply less likely to have children to fulfill the ‘cute’ needs of a modern wedding — the flower children or the ring bearers, for example” explained Williamson. “My business adresses those concerns with style - from a simple headpiece and display pillow on your German Shephard to a full evening gown like we see on ‘Poopie’ here.” Williamson then gestured to his West Highland White Terrier, who was clad head to tail in pink chiffon.

“It’s really just about taste - and while I’m not homosexual, I think we share similar interests in how we dress our dogs.”

Williamson’s business may not be the only industry affected by the landmark decision. Gay-specific wedding planning was trending in internet searches, as were requests for “rainbow color floral arrangements,” “female-sized cutoff jackets with camo cummerbunds” and “assless tuxedo pants.”

Mom learns, abuses the colloquialism ‘dope’

ROCKLIN — The sons and friends of Rocklin mom Denise Fraizer are reporting that she is “totally overusing” the outmoded slang term ‘dope’ in everyday conversation after picking it up from “I don’t even know where.”

“This is ri-diculous. She gave me a bag lunch yesterday and told me that there was a ‘dope’ surprise waiting in there for me,” said Hunter Fraizer, age 13.

“It was pudding. Chocolate pudding.”

Friends of the Fraizers tell of similar concerns when being driven to Rocklin High School and Spring View Middle School as part of the Tuesday carpool.

11-year-old classmate Jeremy Jenkins said, “On the way to school she pointed out a ‘dope’ car with tinted windows. Then, a ‘dope’ house — it had Christmas lights on the porch. Then, a ‘dope’ McDonalds with a playground in front!”

“It was sooooooo lame!” he concluded.

While the Fraizers say they know that the ‘dope’ fiasco will eventually end, they seem more concerned with what phrase or word will supplant it.

“Two years ago she wouldn’t stop saying ‘Wykkid.” She even spelled it W-Y-K-K-I-D when she wrote us notes,” said Hunter Fraizer.

Added younger brother Chris Fraizer, “I heard someone say ‘sick’ around her at the store — but I don’t think she heard it.”

“At least, I hope she didn’t.”

Woman is once, twice, three times a hooker

OAK PARK — 19-year-old ‘lady of the night’ Yvonne Jones made it with three separate johns in one night, an area pimp reports.

Oscar “Lil’ Papi” Wrigley, who wished to be identified as an ‘urban entrepreneur,’ said of the event, “Dumb bitch is a slut — but Papi always gets Pa-paya.” following the statement with a ceremonious kiss to the cubic-zirconia-encrusted dollar sign ring on his left hand.

Jones, who typically works the areas of Stockton and Broadway streets and surrounding alleys and gutters, found the three customers within a span of 2 hours 30 minutes.

Ramirez, speaking on behalf of Jones, said that while the customers did not wish to be identified, they were “indubitably satisfactoried,” with “a sucky-sucky, a sucky-fucky, and a special sucky-sucky-fucky.”

“Trick knows how to work it, y’heard?” continued Ramirez.

The Cee, in an exclusive interview with Jones, was in turn posed the following question: “You looking for ‘somethin?’”

The query was met with a series of up and down shaking motions of the left hand.

Editor’s note: Lionel Richie could not be reached for comment.